Jive Turkey

By ROSIE SORENSON

I recently read an article in the Washington Post entitled, “Modern Turkeys Bigger than Relatives of Yore.” The photo accompanying the story of this modern monster — huge body, red face and frowzy feathers — reminds me of Steve Bannon. In his photos, Bannon looks to be a big-breasted creature with disheveled hair, florid face and a bit of a wattle.

Bannon’s personal evolution even harkens back to that of our contemporary turkeys. The article describes how different they are from those of our forebears. It goes on to say, “ . . . early North Americans would see today’s turkeys as gargantuan, pale mutants in comparison to the wild turkeys they knew.” My guess is that they would also be shocked to see a gargantuan, pale mutant promoted to the ruling council of the greatest experiment in democracy the world has ever known. (Note to reader: Take a photo before it disappears.)

Early turkeys were dark and slim and could even fly a little. Today’s birds? Not so much. In fact, according to the article, because they have been bred for huge breasts, not only can they not fly, they cannot even mate. They can only reproduce by means of artificial insemination. Now, that’s just sad. Because of the industry’s greedy determination to extract more and more profits from these unwitting creatures, our feathered friends will never know genuine turkey love.

As for Bannon? Well, given that he was accused of domestic abuse in 1996 by his second wife (who later decided not to press charges, reportedly because he threatened her), and his hateful remarks about women, my hunch is he might need professional help (“wink wink”) for his amorous adventures. What smart, sexy woman would climb into bed for free with a fowl man who thinks of her as a “bimbo,” and who presided over the scurrilous Breitbart News Network when it ran headlines such as: “Birth Control Makes Women Crazy and Unattractive.” “Would You Rather Your Child Had Cancer Than Feminism?” “Gabby Giffords: The Gun Control Movement’s Human Shield.” To call this man a turkey would be an insult to our tasty friends.

But let’s talk turkey, shall we? Someone needs to take a close gander (oops, wrong bird) at this genetically modified putz (he also dislikes Jews), corner him in a pen, pluck him out of Washington, and ship him off to a Buddhist monastery, run by feminist priests, where he can go cold turkey on hate.

Maybe then the rest of us can gobble in peace and harmony.

Rosie Sorenson of Richmond, Calif., is humor columnist for the Foolish Times whose work has appeared in other publications as well as popular anthologies, including the forthcoming The Magic of Memoir, edited by Brooke Warner and Dr. Linda Joy Meyers. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM in San Francisco in its Perspectives series. One of her essays for that series won the Listener Favorite Award. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, January 1-15, 2017

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