Dear Poor People: God Is So Not Into You

Dear Poor People,

The Angel of Trump, Mitch McConnell, appeared to 326,474,013 Americans on June 22, 2017. The glory of the GOP shone all around him, but you poor Americans were terrified. McConnell said unto thee, “Do not be afraid for I bring you good tidings of great joy! Today in the town of Trump has been born the Better Care Reconciliation Act.”

This means, at long last, you have been set free. The intrusive chains of Big Government have been wrenched off your poor wretched backs. No longer will Big Government tell you what to do, nosiree. Live free and die, my peasants, er, I mean, my people. No one will force health insurance down your gullets ever again. You are free, as before, to expire in the streets because our plan defunds just about everything that would prevent it.

We can sense your pioneering spirit just itching to rise up to meet this challenge! You don’t want to be a wuss and die in a nursing home, now do you? Especially since we cut the hell out of Medicaid that used to pay for such dependence. We know how much you want to bootstrap yourselves. Isn’t this what you told us when you donned your Make America Great Again caps and screamed red-faced at our rallies: “Get Rid of Obamacare!?” Well, we’re delivering on that promise. You can thank us in 2018 and 2020.

And when you die, well, at least you’ll know you did it your way with no help from the damn Gummint! Be proud, my fellow Americans, be proud. At last we’ve rid you of the scourge of Obama—you know, the black guy who imprisoned you.

But wait, there’s more. Not only will our Better Care Reconciliation Act restore your God-given freedom, our proposed budget goes even further.

The 2018 Budget contains provisions to make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Because we are releasing you from dependency on food stamps, health care, SSI and other wretched government schemes designed to keep you “in your place,” you will be able to use the full force of your God-given talents to work and produce and invent and become as rich as Donald Trump. After all, isn’t that why you elected him? Because you knew he would make you rich? Well, your vote was not wasted, my friends. No, siree. You will be free of those pesky regulations that have kept you impoverished for a long time. Thanks to Donald and the GOP, the bars on your cage have been removed.

Just think, by cutting food stamps, you’ll never again have to worry about choking on them! Nor will you be choking on real food. No more need for someone to perform that embarrassing Heimlich maneuver on you in Cracker Barrel because a chunk of beef got lodged in your windpipe.

It’s true that under our plan you will have less food, but look at the bright side. Under the Obama regime, you’ve become obese and you now have heart disease and diabetes and can barely waddle to McDonald’s. Our plan will cause you to lose weight. So, good news all around. You won’t need no stinkin’ Medicaid because you will be healthier. You can think of this as a faith-based budget. After all, the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?

You will also be encouraged to work now. Come on, we know you can do it—just throw down those crutches and flush your Oxy! Won’t it feel good to participate in the economy again, lifting the GDP along with your spirits? You might even become eligible for your employer’s health plan. Oh, sure, it probably won’t be the Platinum Plan or the Gold Plan or the Silver Plan, more like the Tin Plan, but it might cover something. God wants you to be grateful.

“What?” I hear some of you say—“This is cruel!” No. I’ll tell you what’s cruel. Having other American taxpayers shell out a penny for you 47 percenters who don’t pay any taxes. These wealthy people work hard for their money and they’re tired of giving it away to wastrels like you. When your child complains about hunger in his belly, you can tell him with pride, “That means Jesus loves you, son.”

In closing, let me say this: We’ve seen you at our rallies—we know who you are. We’ve designed a healthcare plan and budget that are all about your freedom, which we know from your voting record you prize more than health or even food.

You can think of it this way: Our plans are God’s way of telling you, “Get off your fat asses and go to work!” Freedom must be earned.


B. Krap-Krazy, MBA, FU
Department of Hellcare and Inhumane Services

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at:

From The Progressive Populist, August 1, 2017

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