SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

You Had Me at 너 한테 쓰레기를 던질거야.

Dear Leader Kim Jung Un,

My friends and I in Northern California are getting a teensy bit worried because you seem so out of sorts lately, dyspeptic, even. I’m writing to offer help. Please accept my apologies for not writing you sooner. You, of all people, know how long it takes to stock a bomb shelter.

We know you like to play with your penis, er, missiles and that you are apparently having some success in that department. Good on you. Feels great to accomplish a goal, does it not? But, really, is this how you’d like to go out — incinerated in Trump’s game of “Mine is Bigger Than Yours?” As you know by now, he’s crazier than you and his is indeed bigger than yours, so, let’s step back and take a deep breath, shall we? And, while you’re at it, please buy a new Korean/English dictionary. “Dotard.” Really?

Before you blow us up, I recommend a relaxing vacation right here in the great state of California. You might change your mind about launching a missile our way after an incognito trip to San Francisco, Napa, Carmel, Yosemite, Spirit Rock Meditation Center and the Berkeley Pot Shop where visitors are always welcome and samples are freely given. Who among us doesn’t need a good chill?

You could get a nice massage, buy some new clothes (that baby-sh** green uniform does not become you), take the popular boat trip to Alcatraz. Oops — nix Alcatraz — that would be too much like home. No worries, though, it hasn’t been used as a prison in years.

Of course, you’ll need to change your appearance to slip under the radar of Trump’s TSA (Transportation Security Administration). So let’s get to work on your makeover. First, let your hair grow down to your cheeks like a normal person. Have it layered and add some highlights. I recommend dark blond to bring out your eyes while wearing your new blue contacts.

Next, contact NutriSystem and have them fly over a two-month supply of their meals—you know, the stuff that helped Marie Osmond lose 50 pounds. That would be about right for you. You don’t want to get too skinny. But don’t let them rope you into a “Before/After” commercial. That would be unbecoming a great leader.

After you’ve slimmed down, gather your entourage and go shopping. I’m thinking a charcoal gray Armani suit, teal shirt and fuscia tie would pull your look together in a lovely way. It says, “I’m dictator enough to wear teal and fuscia.” Californians appreciate metrosexual.

I’d recommend flying into San Francisco on a corporate jet bearing a forged Samsung logo. Business jets are not subjected to a very high level of scrutiny. You’ll need a fake passport (be sure to smile) in the name of, say, Sam Lee from Seoul. You’ll be a “businessman.” Two others should accompany you — a “secretary,” and a fellow executive. Leave your entourage at home. Ditto your nuclear weapons. If you feel a need for extra protection while in our great state, I’d recommend a canister of pepper spray from Big 5 Sporting Goods.

After you return home from your relaxing three weeks in California, you’ll be in a better mood to deal with Trump. And as you know, he loves making deals, especially those that benefit him.

The only way to ensure that Trump will never bomb you is this: Offer him 50 acres in the heart of downtown Pyongyang to build a hotel/golf course/office complex. Tell him you want it to be “The Biggest and Best Trump Property the World has Ever Seen.” That would turn his head around faster than Linda Blair’s in the “Exorcist.” You know what a sucker he is for flattery, so pile it on! Heck, you could probably keep all your missiles as part of that deal. He doesn’t care about those, really. He only cares about his brand.

And one more thing. Just to mess with him, why don’t you write out your offer on a postcard and mail it to him at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Washington, DC 20500 while still in San Francisco? That postmark will make his head explode.

You’ll thank me later.

Yours for a nuclear-free life,

A Concerned Citizen of the Great Satan — USA

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at:

From The Progressive Populist, October 15, 2017

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