SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

Reward: To Anyone Who Can Help Matt Lauer Find His Soul

So many predators, so many penances, so many promises to enter into “rehabilitation.” All these lords burning up the hotline to God. No wonder we peasants can’t get through—the line is always busy busy busy.

According to one recent online post, “Matt Lauer apologizes, says he’s soul searching after NBC’s Today show firing.” Apparently, Charlie Rose won’t return his calls. Garrison Keillor wants nothing to do with him. He’s ostracized by his fellow broadcasters because many are as guilty as he. Harvey Weinstein was overheard saying, “That washed-up jackanapes— he’s not fit to lick my alligator boots.”

Friends close to Mr. Lauer (Hoda? Savannah?) are very concerned about Matt and are saying off the record that he’s having difficulty finding his soul. He’s asked them to compose an ad for Craigslist. They’re having trouble deciding upon the category to use —“Community: Lost and Found;” or “Missed Connections,”or “Gigs: Talent.”

Here’s the ad they’ve come up with, as they channeled Matt’s desires: “Wanted/needed—a soul. Must have soul now. Preferably one wrapped in a smokin’ hot bod, but, really, at this point, any soul will do.

“If you have a soul to spare, even a gently used one, please let me know. I can’t seem to find my own—uh, maybe I never had one.

“Your reward? A signed autographed photo of me in my skivvies as well as my undying gratitude. Oh, and some cash. Willing to negotiate. Time is of the essence. Please include geotag.”

Sad.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, March 1, 2018

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