SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

We’re Lucky to Have Him

Dateline Spring 2017: Trump fires the entire staff of the Secret Service, saying, “Don’t need ‘em. I alone can protect myself.”

In his boldest move yet after the Florida massacre, Trump was caught on camera squaring his shoulders, puffing up his chest, and giving it a thump, as he declared, “This is how a real man takes care of his people. Not like that sniveling little deputy in Florida who refused to go inside the school and save the children, even though he had a gun. I would have saved the children, I would have totally run into that building, unarmed, and kicked ass.

“And so I say to myself, ‘Well, Trump, if you alone could have saved that school, then why do you need the Secret Service — they just sit around all day and eat donuts — why not do it yourself? So, as of today, I said to them, ‘You’re fired!’

“Obama—that little girl—he needed the Secret Service, (‘Waaaa, waaaa, people wanna kill me, waaaa,’ ) but if he’d been a real man, he would have taken them on one by one, mano a mano, but no, what a coward. You people are SOO lucky to have me. It will save you millions of dollars, millions, I’m telling you. But sorry, Nancy and Chuck, I won’t be spending that savings on health care for poor people. I’m nice, but not that nice, capisce?”

Asked later at a press conference by Hallie Jackson of NBC to clarify his comments, he said, “I, like, would have totally kicked Assad’s butt with my bare hands, but the generals wouldn’t let me go over there. No, they had to sideline me so they could take all the glory for themselves. But that’s OK. I hired them, I have that excellent kind of judgement.”

“Would you have rushed in to stop Putin in Crimea?” asked Jonathan Karl of ABC, sitting in the front row.

“Putin? No, no, never Putin. We’re best buds. You just don’t go around interfering with your best bud’s business. Haven’t you figured that out yet? I like me some Putin — Pootie, Pootie, Pootie — whaddya gonna do about it, I’m the President? Beat that bitch Hillary fair and square is what I did. Is she locked up yet?”

“What about gun control,” asked Lisa Desjardins of the PBS News Hour, standing in the back row, “What are you going to do about guns?”

“Bump stocks, bump schlocks. That’s not gonna do anything. And the age thing? Nah. The NRA assures me that’s the wrong way to go. What we need is to arm teachers, no, what we need is to arm everyone in the whole damn country. If we were all armed, don’t you think that would make even the craziest think twice about shooting?”

“Are you including children in that?” Lisa asked.

“Yes, sure, why not. They’re the ones so often targeted. If kids had guns, fewer kids would be killed by killers with guns. But me? I don’t need no stinking gun. As I said, I would have rushed into that school unarmed. But, Nancy and Chuck? You wouldn’t see them doing that, would you? No, Dems are such wusses, everyone knows that. California values? Hogwash! Have some of that Napa Pinot and hide behind your Lexus, Nancy.

“And like I said, I can take on Mueller unarmed, ladies and gentleman, I can do it. I said I’d do it, I’ll do it. We’ll see how that goes.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders slipped into the press room through the side door, rushed to the podium and whispered in Trump’s ear.

“Oops, sorry,” says Trump, moving quickly toward the exit. “Gotta go. Pootie’s on the phone with dirt on Kamala Harris.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, April 15, 2018

Populist.com