Trump’s legal woes are overwhelming his presidency, creating a crisis for our government and the legal foundation upon which it thrives. Simply put, Trump has hired so many attorneys to defend his numerous nefarious activities that the American Bar Association is now crying foul. Of the 1,315,561 licensed attorneys (www.practicepanther.com) in the United States, the majority are now working for Mr. Trump. At the taxpayer’s expense.
People who need legal help with DUIs, divorces, property issues, estate matters, leases and other contracts are told to wait in line. How long? they ask. Until the president resolves his legal woes. In other words, until the end of time.
On the bright side, Rudy Giuliani, recently appointed to Trump’s legal defense team, seems to be doing everything he can to bring an abrupt end to this imbroglio through a combination of ignorance, arrogance, and gosh-darn prevarication. Anyone who can out-lie Sean Hannity and get away with it deserves our most humble admiration. Go Rudy!
Sales of Nolo Press Do-It-Yourself legal manuals are soaring. The Bar Association is afeared that citizens may soon discover the truth—many legal matters don’t require a lawyer. Then what? Ex-lawyers standing in line at food banks? Lawyers begging for the health care they helped to sabotage while Trump was in office? Attorneys sobbing to welfare workers because they still have too much money to qualify for a government pittance? Gold-digging trophy spouses heading for the hills?
What about Canadian paper manufacturers who export tons of reams to us every year? No lawyers, no paper. So sorry. You’ll need to turn that big rig around at the border.
Recent reports of another disturbing trend have emerged. People are actually starting to talk to each other, face-to-face, instead of Facebook-to- Facebook. They have no other choice, really, to resolve their differences. There are not enough attorneys left to sue the bitches and bastards—the neighbor who stole your lawn mower, the gal who ran your car off the road and into a tree, your ex-spouse whose child support is in arrears —might as well take care of these things ourselves.
Instead of shouting, “Just wait til my attorney gets ahold of you — he’ll rip your throat out, you effing moron,” we’re hearing, “Gosh darn it, Jake, I just wish you hadn’t run off with Maggie.”
Jake, looking at the ground and scuffing his feet, replies, “Gee, John. I’m so sorry I slept with your wife—can you ever forgive me?”
“Sure, Jake,” says John, who watches too many British comedies, “Give us a hug, will ya?”
Another scenario has been witnessed at the local Pet Shop where a customer leaned in close to one of the animal groomers and said, “I know you didn’t mean to kill Fluffy during her flea bath—that must have been terrible for you. Let’s move on, shall we? Bygones.”
Who knew some good could come of the Trump administration?
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2018
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