Satire/Barry Friedman

Annotated Text of Trump’s Eulogy for John McCain

Dear guests, senators, reps, governors, their wives, others, including some of you who are losers. nn(HOLD FOR LAUGHS) I’m joking. Others start with a joke. Why can’t I? Look, all welcome. Great to see you, seriously. And Melania looks great, doesn’t she? (WAVE TO HER) John McCain died the other day. Terrible thing. Terrible. My father died, as did my mother and brother and other people I loved. It’s no fun, believe me, when people die. Lot of people say John didn’t ask me to come here, didn’t want me to speak. Totally didn’t happen. He knew I was president, and knew, like I do, presidents can go where they want. He didn’t have to ask.

I’m here and proud of myself for being here, considering what many of you think of me, even though the American people, by a wide—wide—margin disagree with you and see how much the country is better than it was being handled by the other presidents (POINT TO THEM ALL IN FRONT ROW. DON’T SMILE. REMEMBER: YOU’RE THE MAN NOW) in the front row. Even if John were president, I’d probably have better figures.

John and I had our differences, to be sure, but I liked him to approved having the thing here (LOOK UP AT ROTUNDA). Though he didn’t say it to my face, I knew how much he respected and loved me. He really, really did admire me. He’d shake my hand and hold it for what seemed like forever. Who does that? I could see it in his eye when he looked at me. Guy just liked me. Wanted to be me, I think, deep down. A lot of people don’t know that about him. I don’t think he ever got over what happened when we both ran for president. I got more votes than him — he got like, I don’t know, 40 million and I got way, way more than that.

And I beat B.O. (LOOK DOWN AT HIM) By the way great speech. Very articulate and well-spoken that one. (WINK AT HIM) Anyway, John didn’t beat Obama. That bothered him greatly.

But that’s history and history is just that. History. Not present. History means before. I’m president now. John’s not. It’s settled. A lot of people in the Rotunda today — and I think you should have asked Palin to speak. She’s great—anyway, my point is, not being president doesn’t mean a man hasn’t amounted to anything. John was a really good man, you know, with the war stuff he did and his wisecracks. A lot of people in this room weren’t and won’t be a president, either. I don’t hold that against you. John didn’t either. And I am now your president. And John never was. I think that’s why he said a lot of mean things about me. Many people tell me he was jealous of me. Many people think that. And he did say a lot of mean things about me, folks, believe me, so it’s probably true. Again, others are saying that. Not me. I didn’t start the bad name calling. John did.

To his kids, and I frankly didn’t know he had so many. I have five great ones, you know. I know Meghan (FIND IN CROWD, POINT), of course, who has been very, very mean to me. You have, (LOOK AT HER) sweetheart, you really have. So uncalled for. But I’m glad you’re here. It’s amazing how Trump gets criticized for being married more than once with many kids, but McCain didn’t. Sad. And his kids don’t get pilloried as bad on #fakenews the way mine do. And he wasn’t at all very nice to his first wife was he? I was much better to mine, both of them. But to his kids, look, your dad was well loved, as he should have been, but there are a lot of people worthy of love and now that your dad is gone, you should think about some of the others. And you can start right here with me because I love this country a lot. As much as your dad did. Maybe more. And I’m president.

Your dad had a lot of good ideas and I liked a lot of them. He always appreciated that about me, that I responded to the good ideas, whether from him or others.

To Cindy (FIND IN CROWD, POINT AND SMILE), his wife, hope you’re okay today. Tough deal. A country grieves with you and also is in better shape today because of my policies than it was than before John got sick. I’m sure that makes you feel better. I know, before John died, he said, ‘Thanks, Mr. President for everything you do,” and I graciously accepted his thanks.

In closing I want to say that death is not always the end. In the Bible—in Zachary, God says ‘I will anoint you in a heaven all your own.” And John will live on like that … there in that anointed place above. For me, it’s here. John may have had the Straight Talk Express. Well, I talk even straighter and my bus is faster, not that I’d ride the bus. Good bless America and good luck to you all.

Barry Friedman is a comedian in Tulsa, Okla., and many people say he’s also a part-time senior adviser to President Donald Jr. Trump on Facebook, as well as blogging at FriedmanOfThePlains.com.

From The Progressive Populist, October 1, 2018

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