Satire/Rosie Sorenson

And God Said …

In an unprecedented move, God accepted an invitation from Sean Hannity to appear on Fox News for an extensive no-holds-barred interview. CNN and MSNBC were steamed that Hannity trumped them with this big “get.” It’s not known how Hannity got through to God. Perhaps Billy Graham helped him before or after he died. The ratings were celestial.

On the Big Day, heads swiveled as God strolled slowly into the studio, sans his usual entourage. He floated toward his designated seat, gathered his robes about him and lowered himself into the overstuffed chair across from Sean. Sean bowed and sat down.

“Good evening, Mr. God,” says Sean. “We’re glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to be with us this evening. I don’t know how your cable reception is up there in heaven, but there are so many things down here we need to cover tonight — I hope that’s OK.”

God glances around the room and smiles. Then, in a booming baritone that rattles the glass in the studio windows, says, “I have all the time in the world, Sean. Thanks for having me.”

Sean continues. “As we agreed in our telephone pre-interview, you said you wanted to set the record straight about a few things.”

“Yes, thank you Sean. I feel I owe it to you and the world to clarify a few misunderstandings. First off, let me start with the Ten Commandments. I apologize for naming them the ‘The Ten Commandments.’ I intended to call them ‘The Ten Suggestions,’ but Moses took umbrage and said that if I made them suggestions no one would listen. He needed a document with some teeth in it, so I relented.

“Because of my long history with you people after the Big Bang, I should have realized that calling them Commandments was setting you up to fail. I had high hopes, I suppose, but I should have known that most of you were never going to color within the lines.

“I was shocked, though, that so many of you humans took those things seriously. My bad. What a mess this has created for you—trying to live up to what you thought I meant by The Truth, for example. As if … ” he says, rolling his eyes, shrugging his shoulders and chuckling.

(Note to reader: When God chuckles, people hear “earthquake” and panic.)

God looks around for Sean and sees him cowering under his chair. He’s shocked to see the others scrambling to get under tables. “Oh, sorry about that, people. I’ve been told I have an intimidating laugh. Won’t happen again.” He raises his arm and waves. “You can come out now.” The studio staff emerge quickly from under the tables. Red-faced, they stand up and pat down their clothes. Sean assumes his interviewer position.

“Let me pick up where I left off with this Truth thing,” says God. “Now—Rudy. Rudy has it right. The Truth is not the Truth. I know that makes some peoples’ heads explode, but you all went and took me too literally. Seriously, did I not give you a brain?

“Let Me explain. You know that bit about ‘Thou Shalt Have No Gods Before Me’? Well, right after I dictated that I took a Sabbatical for a few thousand years and left interns in charge. As you well know, you get what you pay for. They failed to update me upon my return about all the changes you people had made. Whooeee, lotta changes!

“Obviously, when I dictated that first Commandment I couldn’t have known about the internet. I couldn’t have known about Kim Kardashian—what a goddess she is. And to think I created her, well, me and a couple of my brainiac plastic surgeons, that is. They did good, don’t you think? But, geez, I get that that’s an impossible task—to have no other gods before me. Why, now you’ve got thousands of gods, many of them helpful. So who am I to say you can’t have these gods before me?

“But back to Rudy. I admit he’s not my favorite character in this reality show you call life, but he is fun, is he not? Not as fun as Trump, mind you, but way more fun than Hillary. In fact, I don’t much like women, so it’s no surprise that the Catholic Church and others don’t let women lead. I mean who are we kidding? Freud was right about their lack of an effective super ego, but that’s a lesson for another time.

“And Jesus? He got too carried away with the ‘I-Am-God’ thing, and he let it go to his head. The Romans didn’t much care for his holier-than-thou position. I had to let him go.

“The Truth isn’t the Truth and Giuliani isn’t Giuliani. How’s that for a head banger? I learned about Zen koans from the Buddha—nice fellow.

“So that’s my advice to you in this, the year of our Lord, i.e., Me, 2018. Use the brains God, i.e., I, gave you. All will be well.

“Amen, and thanks for having me, Sean.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, October 1, 2018

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