Book Review/Heather Seggel

When You Just Can’t Even

If the past three years have taught us nothing else, we have surely learned how much bad news a body can stand before breaking (that could mean breaking down in tears or breaking out the Double Stuf Oreos). Staying resilient is critical to our survival as reasons for hope come and go. Here is a quick read on just that topic, that will pay off over and over on bad days regardless of the cause. “Coping Skills: Tools & Techniques for Every Stressful Situation” (Microcosm Publishing) provides just what it says, ways to overcome or at least endure the worst stuff life throws at us.

Author Faith G. Harper (“Unf*ck Your Brain”) expanded her ’zine about coping into a full-length book that can be quickly snarfed down or pored over depending on your mood. She explains in easily grasped, curse-dappled language how the brain is always trying to protect us, but sometimes blows a rod when a resigned sigh would be the right response. Our ancestors were wired to fight, flee, or freeze when stuff hit the as-yet-uninvented fan, and we tend to do the same whether or not a saber-tooth tiger is in hot pursuit. Coping skills are the intermediate steps that help us make sense of what’s happening and formulate an appropriate response.

Surrounding the book’s main points are two critical concepts. Harper takes a moment at the outset to clearly and definitively explain that coping skills are something we all need and use. They are not a marker of weakness or “mental illness.” Being in crisis is a physiological state, one that we have the power to change using the methods described here. At the end she offers advice to those who would like to help others without screwing the effort up too badly. This could mean listening without offering advice, extending empathy without hijacking the discussion to be all about you, or just stepping up and offering some housekeeping or babysitting to offer your friend some time to breathe.

In between those bookends are a plethora of ideas and things to try, as well as ways to get comfortable with potentially triggering techniques. Prayer and meditation came up over and over again in Harper’s doctorate research; their merits are undeniable, but so is the fact that organized religion is a giant turn-off for many. Shifting the view of these practices so they are merely forms of talking (prayer) and listening (meditation), either to yourself, a higher power, or the world around you, can make them more accessible. Breathing techniques, especially breathing from the diaphragm, are given their due as well; I’ve long been a fan of 4:7:8 breathing (in for a count of four, hold for seven, exhale between pursed lips for eight), because there are so many things to count and recall that it’s hard to hang onto stress while doing it, but square breathing (in, hold, out, hold, each for four beats) is also a great, quick way to focus and settle your mind.

When life is at its most agitating, consider grounding: Take your shoes off and feel your feet as they connect with the floor. Hold something in your hand and note its shape, texture, temperature. Look around the room and note anything green (or pink or blue) that you see. There’s a grab bag of techniques like this to try, but many are organized to respond to specific types of crisis. Internal Judo skills are for centering and quieting the mind, even if it takes writing out all your worst fears or impulses to get there. Mitigating the Bullshit is for clearly defining the problem you’re trying to solve (because God knows if you solve some other problem instead, the original one will be patiently waiting for you when you finish your victory lap). Live Through This skills get your thoughts and feelings up off the floor and into color-coded bins so you can see them clearly. Finally, Find the Pony skills help you to find meaning and even hope in the toughest times (as in, finding the pony amid the pile of s**t it’s left for you to deal with).

When everything is collapsing around your ears, you are unlikely to think, “I should really try that square breathing technique.” Practicing coping skills before you need them is what makes them useful. So check out “Coping Skills” now, and pick out a minimum of five things to test drive. (This could include squeezing Play-Doh, so it’s not like you’re agreeing to be tortured or get super new-agey.) Stick with the ones you like and will do regularly, then try a few more, and see how they work in response to life’s curveballs.

Heather Seggel is a writer living in Northern California. Email heatherlseggel@gmail.com.

From The Progressive Populist, September 15, 2019

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