Satire/Rosie Sorenson

The Grapes of Crass

According to a White House insider, Trump lit out on a righteous tear when he heard that NPR had started its own wine club, offering “All Grapes Considered,” “ Weekend Edition” and “NPR Uncorked Merlot.”

“Damn libs. They think they’re so special,” he was overheard raging to Mick Mulvaney. “Why don’t we start our own wine club, make it THE BEST wine club ever? We could raise money and put it into the Treasury to reduce the deficit. When did Obama ever do anything thing like that, huh?”

“Sounds good, Mr. President,” said Mick. “Anything you want. Let’s get on it.” He pulled out his yellow pad.

Trump, a teetotaler and owner of a winery in Virginia not known for its fine wines, called his buddies in California’s Napa Valley. Eager to cash in, they agreed to partner with the White House in a company called Napa Valley Makes America Great With Wine —NVMAGWW.

The initial offering from NVMAGWW is said to include:

“Sleepy Joe Sherry, Fake News Grape, Mueller Hoax Madeira, Border Wall Bordeaux, Liddle Adam Schiff Sauterne, Clown Car Chianti, Tariff Tawny Port, Enemy of the People Proseco, Crooked Hillary Cabernet and Witch Hunt White.”

When the president of NPR, Jarl Mohr, got wind of Trump’s plans, he called up the President and scolded him. “What do you mean by competing with us? That’s not fair, not fair at all.”

“I’ll tell you what’s not fair—you getting money from the government to put out your effing newsy news programs, so-called news, more like fake news. What is Judy Woodruff, like a 100 years old? You need a young busty blond to pull in the ratings, my friend. Then you can blabber on with any kind of cheesy stuff you like.” He put his hand over the phone and winked at Mick who had just strolled into the oval office.

“That’s PBS, not NPR, Sir,” said Mohr. “If you watched the News Hour you’d see it’s not fake news, that is if you could listen for more than 30 seconds. Your short attention span is no secret.”

“Your trouble,” said Trump, “is you can’t handle the competition—that’s why you need us, you need me. If you upped your game, say, like Fox News, you wouldn’t need our money.”

“Again, NPR is radio, not TV,” said Mohr with a sigh.

“Well, see there, that’s your problem.”

“We don’t see it as a problem. We each do an outstanding job. And, might I remind you, Sir, that it’s not ‘your’ money, it’s the American people’s money.”

“Potato, potahto—it’s all the same,” said Trump. “You can’t compete in today’s marketplace, so you should be nice to me.”

“All right then, how about I send you a case of ‘All Grapes Considered’? I can guarantee it’s not sour. I know you don’t drink, but maybe you could share it with others, perhaps those in your Cabinet.”

“You’re on. We’ll do a blind taste test here—your wine against mine.”

“Fine.” Mohr hung up.

Back at NPR headquarters, Mr. Mohr huddled with his marketing staff to come up with additional wines and spirits to round out their current offering. They agreed on the following:

“Moscow Mitch Vodka, Department of the Interior Slash and Burn Shiraz, You’re Fired Pelosi Pinot, HUD Châteauneuf-du-Carson, Mnuchin Mumm Champagne and Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire Fumé Blanc.”

“That should do it,” said Mohr.

“Well, I don’t know,” said Becky his administrative assistant, fiddling with her pen. “That might just enrage him into pulling our funding, don’t you think?”

“We’re pretty well insulated against that, Becky,” Mohr said, smiling. “Only 1% of our funding comes from the government through the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And, besides, I think our wines and spirits are going to sell really well, don’t you?”

“Stay tuned,” she said.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, September 15, 2019

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