September 2019 will forever be known as the month when Trump was hoisted by his own Sharpie.
Questions arose during a press conference in the Oval Office about the mysterious appearance of an odd black curved mark on the National Hurricane Center map. The mark had not been present on the original map but had been added later by some mysterious entity wielding a Sharpie. Trump was in hot water for having previously stated that Alabama was in the path of Hurricane Dorian. Since this wasn’t true, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) issued a rebuke, informing the public that Alabama was not in danger. That sparked a Category 5 tweet storm from Trump: “I am right, you were wrong I am never wrong never never and I’ll make you say that I’m never wrong because I am The President of The United States.”
Trump was later asked to explain the odd mark that now appears on the official weather map, extending the path of Hurricane Dorian into the lower part of Alabama. As we all witnessed, the original map had clearly been doctored by an inexpert artist.
With Trump standing tall at the podium, a reporter shouted, “Do you know how this mark could have gotten there?” A look of glazed bewilderment overtook Trump who slowly turned his head away saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,” his voice trailing off into something akin to dissociation.
After the press left the Oval Office, Trump threw the map into the corner and raged, “It wasn’t me, it was the damn Sharpie that drew that semi-circle. Did I just say semi-circle? Must have learned that word from fake news, sounds like CNN, I don’t use words like that, I don’t know what Category 5 means, they should just drop a nuclear bomb into the eye of that storm and blow it to smithereens, that would stop it, they’re trying to make this Sharpie thing out to be a Category 5 lie, ‘Trump lies again,’ I don’t lie, I never lie, I’m the most honest person on the planet, they’re all bad and fake. I’m going to sue the Sharpie Company, big time. The Sharpie they sent me went rogue and made that mark. I won’t stand for it.”
Later that afternoon, a mysterious man was seen entering a confessional at the Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Washington, D.C. His confession, unbeknownst to him or the priest, was captured by a bug placed in the booth by the FBI. The man looked suspiciously like Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Director Kevin McAleenan who had been the one in the Oval Office to hand Trump the doctored map. A video recording from the confessional has since been leaked.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” said the man, pulling at his collar, sweating, his right knee bobbing up and down.
“Tell me more, my child,” said the priest, leaning forward as if expecting to hear another juicy sex scandal.
“You’ve heard of Sharpie Gate?”
“Yes,” sighed the priest. “Who hasn’t?”
“I was the one in the Oval Office handing the weather chart to the President, the one where he had drawn a black circle with his Sharpie to show that Alabama had in fact been in the path of the Hurricane Dorian. Now I’m bleeding from my eyeballs.”
“Ah. And so?”
“I knew he’d doctored that chart with his Sharpie, I knew it, but I handed it to him anyway. I didn’t speak up, in fact, I lied to reporters, said I didn’t know who had drawn it.”
“Well, my son,” the priest said and paused as he coughed behind his hand.
“Father,” the man said and banged on the grate separating him from the priest. “You must help me, help me for I have sinned, big time. I sat in the room. I enabled him while he told his bigly lie, again and again and I did nothing. I let him hang himself on the cross of his lies and I did not save him. Please, Lord, can’t you just take him out of the gene pool so I don’t have to prostrate myself ever again? I’m too cowardly to do it myself. I have to feed my wife and kids, but if he were somehow gone, I wouldn’t have to be dragged into his awful messes.”
“No can do, my cowardly little angel. As long as Trump continues his war on women — making abortion illegal, refusing to pay for birth control, pap smears, breast exams, cancer follow-ups, STD testing and other abominations—we will support him. Go now, and say 13 Hail Marys and don’t forget to make a nice donation to Mother Church.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, October 15, 2019
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