The Russian spy ship, Viktor Leonov, has been spotted near the coast of Florida. The US Coast Guard is worried because the ship has not deployed its running lights and has not responded to attempts to contact it.
What has not been known, until now, is that the Viktor Leonov was secretly sent to rendezvous with President Donald Trump near Palm Beach.
Fortunately, we at the Progressive Populist have been given access to the following secret recordings between Trump and Putin:
“Will be good to see you again, my friend,” says Putin. “You’ve been a good and faithful spy for us, too bad you got caught.”
“Those bastard Dems, sticking their noses in where they didn’t belong. We had a good thing going there, didn’t we?” says Trump. “I can’t stay here after this, Vlad, you know I can’t. I need for you get me out of this sh*thole country, they hate me they hate me. After all I’ve done for you, you should get me out of here.”
“Roger that, my little American Stooge,” says Putin.” We come to take you away to most beautiful country, Mother Russia. Hold tight, my little useful idiot.”
“The pitch forks are coming out, the Dems are just waiting for me to be convicted and sent packing.”
“Melania is coming, too, no?”
“Hell no. Have you seen her lately, she’s way too old for me, you of all people can understand that. Besides, she hasn’t had sex with me in years. No, I need to start over, completely, get me a new hot Russian babe, several, in fact.”
“Barron?”
“He’s a mommy’s boy, don’t even know him, really, so what do I care?”
“What about your base when they find out?”
“Those suckers? Boy, I had them going for a good long time, didn’t I? But, no. Don’t care, never did, that’s the thing they just never figured out, and I’m pretty transparent. Hell, I’ve been showing them who I was for years and they still don’t care. Damn Dems are obsessed with their laws. I don’t do laws. That’s for weak sisters, like Liddle Adam Schiff.
“Don’t want to have to debate anyone. Heard that the Dems were going to invite Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal to sit in the front row where I’d have to look at those bitches who lied about me. Take me away from this shi*-hole country, Vlad.”
“Da. Da. Now, particulars. At midnight on Friday, January 31, you meet my man, Boris at staff entrance of Mar a Lago. He will bring necessary disguises for you: black watch cap, big black down jacket, crepe-soled shoes and sunglasses and brace for your left leg to give you limp. You put these on, go with Boris to Broadwater Yacht at end of Berth One. You board yacht and wait for one hour. You get into smaller craft which take you to mother ship Leonov. Do not bring suitcase. We supply you with everything.”
“Are you sure this will work? I can’t be caught, you know.”
“Da. Da. I am Vladimir Putin, remember? Do not worry.”
Three weeks later, a body washed up on the shores of Palm Beach. There are unconfirmed reports that it was an elderly white male, but identification has been made difficult because of bloating and assorted wounds to the body. No word yet on the cause of death.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, February 15, 2020
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