Kim Jung Un, on April 1, launched two ballistic missiles toward San Francisco and New York City at 3:30 a.m. PT. Twenty minutes later, 60 million residents of New York and California were incinerated.
“That’s one way to beat the coronavirus,” Trump says at his morning press conference after the attack was confirmed. “No, really, but it’s very sad to lose so many of our great Americans. I do have to note that they are or were, I should say, blue states, so who cares? All my evangelical pals said they were praying for me, but I never dreamed their prayers would be answered so soon, or so effectively. Thank God.”
“Is this a joke?” asks Yamiche Alcindor of the PBS News Hour.
“Uh, no, it’s not a joke, and that’s a nasty question, why do you always ask nasty questions, is it because you’re black or a woman or a black woman? Always with the insults, very bad, you’re a very bad reporter, I must say.”
Trump looks around the room and points to Jonathan Karl of NBC news. “Please ask me a decent question, will ya, Jon?” says Trump, rolling his eyes and throwing up his hands.
“Sir. Do you have any estimates of casualties?”
“Lots. Lots and lots,” says Trump, gripping the podium. “All burned up is what I heard. Going to be a mess to clean up. May have to bring in Mexicans to do the job. No Americans will touch it. Mexicans want to come here, they’ll do it.”
“But, sir,” continues Jonathan, “Won’t this be dangerous for them?”
“They’re used to danger, Jon, they’re Mexicans!”
“But this could kill them.”
“Well then, they won’t have to worry about more danger, will they?”
“What about the fallout?” Jon says, furrowing his brow.
“I don’t think it’s going to hurt my presidency, no, not really. My approval ratings are still about 45%, not bad, not bad. First the pandemic, now the nuclear attack. People really like to see a Commander-in-Chief really commanding. After all I am a war-time president. Can Sleepy J-J-Joe beat that? I don’t think so.”
“With respect sir, I meant the nuclear fallout from the blasts.”
“Oh, that. That should blow away quickly, what with the coastal breezes and everything. The states will be back in business quite soon, and then we can re-stock them with Republicans, and my stock market will go up like never before. Good people. Next question.”
Meanwhile, 6,741 miles away, Kim Jung Un is meeting with the high-ranking members of the Supreme People’s Assembly, North Korea’s governing body.
Sitting at the head of the table, lifting his glass of Hennessey, the Dear Leader says, laughing, “We have him now, that yellow-belly dotard. He wanted distraction, we gave him distraction from his people’s anger at him for bungling the coronavirus. I now own his lard ass for all time.
“Now he will remove those sanctions, or I’ll release the recording of the ‘perfect’ phone call. I didn’t want to do it at first, but then he made an offer I couldn’t refuse. He’d remove all sanctions for all time and let me be free to make more nukes. Says he’ll be gone soon and then it will be Biden’s problem. Said he plans to join Fox News and hound Biden ‘til his dying day.
“And, if he reneges, I’ll send a love letter to his precious Mar-a-Lago like he’s never seen before.”
Members of the Supreme People’s Assembly bow in unison.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2020
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