Rosie Sorenson

Kavanaugh, Collared

After her death, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s family asked Justices Kagan and Sotomayor if they would be so kind as to pack up RBG’s Supreme Court closet and deliver all her robes, her jabots and other memorabilia to them.

Saturday, September 19, 6:30 a.m.

As Justice Kagan reaches to unlock the closet door, she and Justice Sotomayor hear a loud clunk inside. Kagan pushes open the door, Sotomayor follows, and they see Brett Kavanaugh struggling up from the floor, brushing himself off.

“Brett,” Kagan shrieks. “What are you doing here?”

“A box fall, fell, fell over and, um, I was just trying to pick it up,” he says and wobbles.

“Look at this mess, all those jabots lying on the floor.” Drawers had been pulled out, contents spilling onto the floor, jabots everywhere. “Ruth would be horrified!”

“Ja-what?”

“Collars. Jabot is French for collar,” says Sotomayor. “You know, the collars she wore with her robes? Have you been drinking?”

“I like beer … do you like beer?” he says and smiles that goofy, red-faced smile he flashed during his confirmation hearing.

“Brett, you’re drunk!”

“Nuh-uh.” His smile turns into a Joker grimace and he shakes his head vigorously.

“What are you looking for?”

“I want to get that skull-and-crossbones necklace she wore under her robe the day I was sworn in. She hated me, I know it—thought she was better than me. I want to destroy that!” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“You realize this is felony B&E, good for 7-25 in prison?” says Justice Kagan. “If you add “Drunk and Disorderly,” you’re looking at oh, I’d say 30 years in the slammer.”

“I didn’t break in,” he says, emphasizing the word “break.” “I used these,” he says and pulls a small leather case out of his shirt pocket and waves it around.

“You picked the lock on this door?” says Kagan. “Where did you get those?”

“College.”

“What did you use them for in college?”

“Got me into dorm rooms, me and Squee.” He laughs.

“That adds another three years, Brett,” says Sotomayor. “You’re going away for a long time.” She reaches for her cell phone.

“Wh-aat are you doing?” he says and rushes forward to grab her phone.

“Calling the Court police,” she says and shrugs him off.

“No, no, no, no, no, you can’t do that,” says Brett crying. “Can’t you girls and me work something out?”

“The girls are not in a mood to work with you, Brett. You’re a disgrace!” Kagan places her hands on her hips. Staring him down she notices something peeking out from Brett’s pants pocket.

“Are those Ruth’s panties?”

Two muscular police officers quickly arrive and usher Bret, still crying, out of the closet.

Another opening on the Supreme Court. Just in time for President Biden.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2020

Populist.com