Satire/Rosie Sorenson

What’s Up with Bats?

Early in the coronavirus debacle of 2020, bats were thought to be the vectors responsible for its spread to humans. This incensed the bats of Wuhan, who organized a PR campaign to defend their reputations.

President Benjamin Bat was the first to speak at the Wuhan Conference on Bat Health and Integrity in April of 2020. A handsome brown bat, he winged it up to the podium, hung upside down at the microphone and squeaked, “We’re here today to protest the outrageous disinformation campaign being waged against us by the Wuhan Institute for Virology.” Seventeen thousand bats hanging from the rafters of the auditorium flapped their winged arms, clicked and squealed.

President Bat continued, “As you well know, if it weren’t for us bats, the world would be awash in mosquitoes and other insects that people hate. The incidence and prevalence of malaria, Zika, West Nile Virus and other mosquito-born diseases would be off the charts if not for us. Each of us eats as many as 500 mosquitoes per hour. Per hour! Imagine, millions of us all over the world consuming tons and tons of mosquitoes every day.

“And this is the thanks we get? Accused of spreading a deadly virus?

“Well, I’m here to tell you that I have it on no less of an authority than Batman that the virus originated from the Institute of Virology in Wuhan and not from us. According to his sources, a young lab worker named Renshu deliberately infected his girlfriend with this new virus  by means of a small needle pinprick thinking that if she got sick and he could cure her with one of the remedies the lab was producing, she’d be so grateful that she’d come back and  marry him.

“But it backfired. She died. Her parents and siblings all died. Her friends died. COVID-19 began to spread throughout the community and to other nations. Renshu knew he would be hanged if the Wuhan police found out what he did, so he fled to Taiwan where he ultimately contracted the disease himself and expired.

“My Fellow bats, we need an effective action plan. I’ve solicited ideas for slogans we could use to spread the word that we are harmless to humans. I’ve narrowed it down to three and would like to share them with you for your approval. They are:

WE’RE BATS. WE DID NOT GIVE YOU COVID. GET OVER IT.

WE KILL MOSQUITOES SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

WE EAT THE MOSQUITOES THAT DINE ON YOU.

“All in favor of using these slogans in print ads, on billboards and flyers, flap your wings now.” Thunderous beating echoed off the auditorium walls.

* * *

During a follow-up conference in May, 2020, President Bat declared, “We did it. Our PR campaign worked!  The world is finally putting the Wuhan Institute of Virology under its microscope.

“May bats fly free!”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, August 15, 2021

Populist.com