Satire/Rosie Sorenson

What a Send-Off

Ray Lee Hunt, Republican Texas billionaire, donated $60 million for three Texas House Democrats to take a ride into space on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin: César Blanco, Ron Reynolds and Joe Deshotel.

“What prompted you to do this?” asked a reporter from the Texas Observer at Mr. Hunt’s news conference.

“Why, I wanted to honor the spirit of bipartisanship these legislators have demonstrated over the years. I thought this would make a nice gift. Everyone wants to go to space, right?” And with that, he left the podium.

After their own introductions, the three legislators skipped up to the dais.

“We are so grate … ” began César Blanco.

“What a fantastic thing to …” interrupted Joe Deshotel.

“OMG, I can barely breathe …” cut in Ron Reynolds, clapping his hands together.

* * *

Blast Off Day. The legislators, each tightly packed into his blue space suit (a onesize designed for billionaire adults pretending to be astronauts), walked slowly to the staging area, guided by a technician named Jim.  He carefully led them up the stairs, through the hatch, into the cockpit and then harnessed them into their seats.

“Where is the pilot?” asked César.

“Oh, there’s no pilot,” said Jim. “This little puppy is fully automated and computer piloted. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The three glanced at each other and watched as Jim backed out of the module.

“Wait till my kids see me take of —their old Dad in space, just like Neil Armstrong. What a rush!” said Ron.

“Too bad we can’t land on the moon—wouldn’t that be a hoot and a half?” said Joe.

“I don’t believe we’re dressed for a moon landing, Joe,” said Cèsar.

“Are you boys ready?” said a voice from Mission Control.

“Yep,” the men said in unison.

“OK. Here we go. Five … four … three … two…one … lift off!”

“Omigod!”

“Omigod.”

“Omigod.”

For over 2-½ minutes the capsule hurled at roughly three times the speed of sound toward the Kármán line which delineates the boundary between Earth’s atmosphere and outer space. Once the line was crossed, the men unbuckled their harnesses and began to float in space. They “oohed and aahed” as they floated toward the huge windows which from the outside resembled the huge eyes of a Keane painting.

At the 70 second mark, Joe said, “Aren’t we about near the point where we turn around and come back to Earth?”

“Let’s not worry about that. Let’s just have fun,” said Ron as he slowly twirled upside down.

Another 60 seconds, 90 seconds, 2 minutes, still floating.

César said, “I think I’ve had enough. I’m getting dizzy. Someone call Mission Control and find out what the schedule is.”

Joe to Mission Control: “Can you tell us exactly when we will be returning to Earth?”

Mission Control to Joe: “Well, uh, I see from your reservation that you  have a one-way ticket.”

“What?”

“That’s not funny!” said Ron.

“Well, let’s put it this way, you’re not coming back any time soon. Guess you should have read the fine print.”

“But, our jobs …  we have work to do,” said Joe.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Hunt’s got you covered.”

“We’re in the middle of some delicate negotiations.”

“We know.”

“You know? Do you mean to tell me this was . “Oh no, you can’t do this, you can’t. We have families.”

“I believe we just did. Have a nice flight, boys.”

When Mr. Hunt was asked if he knew beforehand that the rocket would not be returning to Earth, he smiled and said, “I don’t believe that was included in the package, no.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, September 1, 2021

Populist.com