Reinstatement Day in America

The glory that might have been

By BARRY FRIEDMAN

In early July, [Mike] Lindell told far-right evangelical fundamentalist Brannon Howse, “The morning of August 13, it’ll be the talk of the world, going, ‘Hurry up! Let’s get this election pulled down, let’s right the right, let’s get these communists out.’” — Alex Henderson, Alternet.

How was this all supposed to work, anyway? Short of a Taliban-like storming of Washington, D.C., where the First Family was kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of Comet Pizza — “Poetic Justice!” would scream a 4chan chat board — followed by alt-right loyalists partying inside late-model Toyota pickups, shouting “Death to Pelosi” and shooting automatic weapons wildly into the air, as the caravan drove haphazardly down K Street … tough to know how QAnon, to name just one of the national pathogenic organizations supporting Trump and whose members had already lost their room deposits when the Reinstatement Day planned for March failed to materialize, saw this playing out. (And say what you want about QAnon, but its adherents’ belief that R&B superstar Beyoncé isn’t really African-American but rather an Italian-American named Ann Marie Lastrassi who is only pretending to be Black — look it up —is never not going to be funny.)

This wouldn’t, couldn’t, and, in most of Trump’s supporters alleged minds, shouldn’t be an official D.C. ceremony, as the city, everyone knows, is populated with pedophilic liberal corporate whores and, worse, coastal elitists. The venue of choice, clearly, would be Mar-a-Lago — outdoors by the pool and in view of the disappearing Florida coastline, if only to stick it to the “Environmental Nazis.” Vice President Mike Pence was reinstated as well, though Trump gave him the stink-eye throughout the ceremony before announcing, shortly thereafter, he was replacing Pence with Gov. DeSantis of Florida. (Pence would later gently sob at Palm Beach International Airport about the “honor” of serving this president.)

As Chief Justice John Roberts had scheduling conflicts, Trump called on one of “my guys” — Amy Coney Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh, or Neil Gorsuch — to officiate, which Kavanaugh performed flawlessly. He was also seen toasting the old-new president with a can of Michelob Ultra. Paula White-Cain, Trump’s spiritual adviser and Jesus channeler, did the invocation, Trump’s way of thanking her for calling on angels from Africa and South America — angels on the other five continents presumably turned her down — after Election Day in 2020 to usher him back to the White House. Singer Jackie Evancho, once again, was the musical guest, this time performing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” which had Trump wiping away tears, or at least seemed that way, while Eric Trump, seen squeezing his dad’s shoulder, also appeared to sob when he noticed the cameras on him. Ivanka Trump, of course, came with her kids but inexplicably without Jared, and Hope Hicks was seen chatting amicably with Melania Trump, which Brian Kilmeade of Fox & Friends declared was “everything good about America.”

Trump, in his acceptance speech, reauthorized the sending of troops back into Afghanistan, not because anyone, least of all his generals, thought it was a good idea, but because Biden pulled them out; mentioned how proud he was of himself for not arresting “Sleepy Joe and his family,” even though, legally, he “totally” could have; recommitted to a border wall that was “bigger and taller with less hooks and step areas to get over it”; promised to reauthorize the Keystone XL pipeline, even though TC Energy, which had been building it, gutted the project months ago; announced that Ashli Babbitt, in memoriam, would be the recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom; invited Kim Jong Un to the White House on Sept. 9 to celebrate the 53rd anniversary of the founding of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and to “solidify the totally great friendship of our two great republics”; promised to “redo the whole way we elect people in this country” while miming slashing his neck; and said, on the topic of COVID, “I wish I hadn’t gotten mine, to tell you the truth, because I didn’t need it and Dems used it to score political points. But if you want to get the shot, vaccine … whatever, I have no problem.”  

Interviewed after the swearing-in, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, heavily powdered, said, “Since 9/11, I have rededicated my life to this great nation,” and claimed he was asked and is “still considering” becoming attorney general. Mike Lindell, also at the ceremony, was spotted on TV later that night, live in a tuxedo, offering special Reinstatement Day Trump Pillow Shams with a 40% savings if ordered with the discount code COHN, and Michael Flynn, seen earlier in the day presenting Ashli Babbitt’s parents with a trifolded military flag, was named chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 

In the days following, scores of liberal columnists excoriated Associate Justice Stephen G. Breyer for not resigning in time to give Biden a judicial nominee, and Maureen Dowd of the New York Times reminded readers, “Trump 2.0 really goes back to the failings of Barack Obama, the man and the president.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) called for the Georgia senatorial vote to be overturned, and Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) announced he would not run for re-election in 2024. In the House of Representatives, Republicans called for an investigation of those on the committee investigating the events of 1/6, members of the GOP who voted in favor of certifying the 2020 election signed a letter of apology to Trump, and Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, no longer banned from Twitter, tweeted, “Just as the Jews overcame the Nazis, so, too, America has overcome murderous Dems. Über alles, Trump.”

Barry Friedman is a satirist in Tulsa, Okla. He is author of at least four books, including “Road Comic,” “Funny You Should Mention It,” “Four Days and a Year Later” and “The Joke Was On Me: A Comedian’s Memoir.” See barrysfriedman.com.

From The Progressive Populist, September 15, 2021

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