Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Cuomo 2.0

April, 2022
Andrew Cuomo, former governor of the state of New York, faded from public view after having resigned from office due to allegations of sexual harassment.

“Witch hunt, witch hunt,” Cuomo cried on his way out the door after his last day, Aug. 30, 2021.

Curious about what had happened to Cuomo since his resignation, NPR reporter Michel Martin tracked him down as he was driving his Winnebago into a truck stop in Kentucky, on his way to Tennessee with a herd of black Angus cows accompanying him in a semi-trailer truck.

Ms. Martin cautiously approached Cuomo, who was pumping his own gas, and asked if she could interview him.

“Hell n-….uh, sure,” he said, clearing his throat and smiling. “You’re talking to Andrew 2.0 now.”

“Thanks. We’ve heard that you are now a cattle herder. That’s quite a step away from your previous job, isn’t it?”

“No, Michel. What you’ve got to understand is that politics is all about herding people, many of whom do not like to be herded. Some even call it bullying … bully-ing, get it? But I say it was more like herding.”

“Ah. Funny.”

“Glad you got that. But I’m transporting cows now. They’re much easier to work with. We’re taking them to Tennessee where Governor Bill Lee is incentivizing vaccines for the cattle.”

“He’s giving money to people for vaccinating their cows, but not to the people of Tennessee? Isn’t that ironic for you, a man who was famous for educating people about COVID?”

“Not at all, Michele. Cows are important to all Americans. If we take care of them, they take care of us. And, besides, they’re the only ones who will date me now so if I happen to give an extra caress to their udders, who they gonna tell?”

Michelle stepped back, shook her head and said, “So New York Tough meets Betty Bovine?”

“Cows are wonderful. I’ve been saying that for a long time. Unlike my former wives and girlfriends, they’re available 24/7.”

“Wouldn’t you say that’s a big come down from being Governor of New York?”

“I don’t think so. Look at the good I’m doing. I’m protecting these cows so you can have a decent burger. What is more quintessentially American than that? You want a New York strip steak— I give it to you, healthy and happy. They have vaccines to spare down there and my manager Guido and I convinced the governor to give them to our cows for free.

“What’s more important to the nation than herd immunity?”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, September 15, 2021


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