Wingnuts and Caramel Apples at the Tulsa State Fair

By BARRY FRIEDMAN

James Lankford, at all times sanctimonious and maddening, is the worst United States senator from Oklahoma facing reelection not named Jim Inhofe.

And he has my full support.

I’ll explain.

A few weeks back at the Tulsa State Fair, I walked by a booth for Jackson Lahmeyer, who is running against Lankford in the GOP primary, which will be held next year. Lahmeyer, a 29-year-old pastor of Sheridan Church — and what could go wrong there — insists Lankford is a coward, first and foremost, for voting to certify the election results of 2020.

What’s ironic (and disturbing) is Lankford had intended to vote against certification and was actually speaking on the Senate floor explaining his cockamamie reasons when insurgents stormed the Capitol. After they were expelled from the building, Lankford changed his mind, which is understandable, considering bare-chested men in animal masks had been rifling through his desk and threatening to hang the vice president. Lankford then voted to certify the results, saying he would not bow to “thugs and rioters.”

Still, this vote to certify the 2020 results was enough for Lahmeyer to enter the race and tag Lankford not only a coward, but, worse, a liberal for not supporting the tourists that day who were just touring the Rotunda and praying for the return of Jesus and Donald Trump. And to give his fledgling campaign a shot in the arm, you should forgive the mRNA pun, Lahmeyer then promised those who became online members of his church and gave to his campaign a religious exemption from COVID-19 vaccine mandates.

That’s from Corinthians, you infidels!

Anyway, the state GOP — and more about them in a moment — had an official booth at the state fair, featuring campaign signage from Republican officials running for statewide and national offices, including what seemed like a life-sized photo of a smiling Mr. and Mrs. Lankford in cowboy boots. Lahmeyer, however, was not among the GOP candidates featured — and how batsh*t crazy do you have to be not to be invited to that shindig? Nathan Dahm, for the love of the pipsqueak in all of us, a state senator who is also running against Lankford, was allowed to hang his campaign sign in the kiosk, even after commenting on the oral sex skills of the current Vice President of the United States.

“There’s a lot of different things that could be said about that with her vast experience and how she got her start into politics,” Dahm said. “In talking with some people, one thing that could be said is that, you know, you can’t use a paper straw for a milkshake, but maybe Kamala Harris could because of her vast experience. Maybe she would be able to get that accomplished.”

If the Oklahoma GOP set its bar any lower for political integrity and decorum, a spelunker would conk his head on it.

Speaking of heads, the chairman of Oklahoma Republicans, a pustule named John Bennett, once compared COVID-19 vaccine passports to the Stars of David Nazis required Jews to wear, called Islam a “cancer in our nation,” and asked a group of Islamic students if they’d beat their wives when the time came.

Near the caramel apples and camouflage canteens in the back of the River Spirit Expo at the fair was Lahmeyer’s booth. On this day, one woman seated at a table and a few stragglers were in front of an enormous placard featuring an endorsement from former retired United States Army Lieutenant General (and seditionist) Michael Flynn, who pled guilty to “willfully and knowingly” making “false, fictitious and fraudulent statements” to the FBI and subsequently called on Trump to declare martial law after Trump lost the election. Flynn achieved Gold Status Wingnuttery, however, when, on a podcast called Thrivetime Show: Business School Without the B.S., he called COVID-19 vaccines “Soros Drugs” that were secretly being administered by government agencies through salad dressing.

I went to get a caramel apple.

Oklahoma is a Republican super-spreading hotspot. In the 2020 presidential election, Donald Trump carried all 77 Oklahoma counties; in 2016, he carried all of them; in 2012 Mitt Romney did; in 2008 … well, you get the picture. In the Oklahoma State Senate, the GOP has a 39-9 advantage over Democrats; in the Oklahoma House, the GOP majority is 82-19. Its two United States senators are Republicans, as are its five US House members, its governor, lieutenant governor, and mayors of its two biggest cities. This is not just a red state, it’s wild salmon red, meaning whomever the GOP nominates in June of 2022 will be the next United States senator from Oklahoma — and that includes Jackson Lahmeyer.

So, of course I support James Lankford for United States Senate. In Oklahoma politics, never let the horrible be the enemy of the dangerous.

One more thing: that day at the state fair, after leaving Lahmeyer’s booth, I walked outside, by the livestock exhibit where my nostrils filled (and stayed filled) with the relentless scent of dung.

But I repeat myself.

Barry Friedman is a satirist in Tulsa, Okla., and a lot of people are saying he is doing some very good work there. He is author of at least four books, including “Road Comic,” “Funny You Should Mention It,” “Four Days and a Year Later” and “The Joke Was On Me: A Comedian’s Memoir.” See barrysfriedman.com.

From The Progressive Populist, November 15, 2021

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