The television ratings for “Dancing with the Stars” have been on the decline for the past several seasons. The producers are desperate to win back viewers.
Sitting around the table at a recent meeting, Senior Producer Ashley Edens-Shaffer said, “The only thing I can think of to boost our ratings this season is to invite Kyle Rittenhouse, Travis McMichael, and William “Roddie” Bryan to compete.”
“Are you f***ing nuts?!!” hollered Producer Rob Wade? “These men are killers.”
“I know, I know,” Ashley said, waving her hand, her face drawn. “But that’s what’s going to make the show so compelling—to make it come alive again.”
“What does the Network say?”
“They think the audience is there for this. Look at the ratings for both trials. Through the roof. If we don’t come up with something, our thirty-year run is over.”
And thus, “Dancing With the Stars, Killer Style” was born.
Since Kyle had already been set free by a jury, he had no problem accepting the offer. “Damn straight I’ll do it, let me show ‘em some moves,” he said with a smug smile.
Travis and Roddie negotiated with Attorney General of Georgia Christopher M. Carr who thought it might be good PR for the audience to see Georgia’s rehabilitation system at work. “And besides, the money the men will earn from the show will help finance their lifetime stay with us. It will be a Win-Win,” said Mr. Carr.
Since none of the long-time dance pros would agree to partner with these killers, other women were recruited: Marjorie Taylor Greene, Laura Ingram, and Kaleigh McEnany.
MTG said, “Anyone can do these stupid dances. Let’s show’em what conservative women are made of.”
Laura Ingram sneered, “Of course I’ll do it. I’ll support these patriots. Anything to own the Libs.”
Kelly McEnany, flipping her blond hair on both sides, said, “I’m doing this for Donald.”
On the first day of practice, the producers announced the line-up—which dancer would be paired with which killer.
Kyle stomped and screamed, “Oh, no. I’m not gonna dance with that old cow,” when he learned he was going to be paired with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
“Me neither,” said Travis, shaking his head as he ran his hand through his red hair. “No way. Bad for my image.”
“I’ll take her,” said Roddie, grinning. “I think she’s hot.”
Next came the choice of music.
I want “Folsom Prison Blues,” cried Kyle.
“Not so fast, baby-face,” said Roddie. “You ain’t even Southern.”
“OK, then,” Kyle said. “I’ll take “There’s Been a Murder” by Jay-Z.”
“You ain’t man enough for that song, little dude,” said Travis.
“Little dude? Says the man who couldn’t even get off on self-defense. Who’s the little dude now, bitch?” snickered Kyle.
“What’s left is “Bohemian Rhapsody,’” said the choreographer.
“I dunno—wasn’t that guy gay?”asked Kyle.
“You will do this if you want to stay on the show,” the choreographer said, scowling.
“Oh, yeah? Look, Donald Trump is my friend. He’ll get me what I want.”
The three women, standing on the sidelines, shook their heads and hollered, “Boys, boys, stop it.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene walked over and bitch-slapped all three of them. “You’re making us look bad. None of you have any balls. Why don’t we just let the women dance with each other, for chrissakes? You guys are an embarrassment.”
On and on it went for the first week. No dancing, just bickering, threatening and fist fights, all captured on video. The network honchos decided to release the footage as “Best of Dancing with the Stars, Killer Style, Behind the Scenes.”
The ratings went through the roof—127 million tuned in to watch the mayhem. More than Oprah’s interview with Megan Markle or the last Super Bowl.
“Congratulations! We got what we wanted said,” said Ashley. “The network is considering a sequel: ‘Dancing With the Stars, Child Molester Style’ and ‘DWTS, Drunk Moms Style.’ Looks like we’ll have jobs for years.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, January 1-15, 2022
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