Kyle Rittenhouse, surfing the wave of his recent out-sized welcome at the uber-conservative “Turning Point USA” conference, where he strutted the stage accompanied by an upbeat song about him, secretly moved to Wisconsin to launch his campaign for unseating Senator Ron Johnson.
When asked at a news conference by Yamiche Alcindor of NPR what he had planned for his campaign slogan, Kyle slowly waved his hand mimicking a chyron and said, “Rittenhouse Killed Two People—What’s Johnson Ever Done?”
“That’s it?” asked Ms. Alcindor in disbelief.
“That’s not enough?” said Kyle. “Well, how about ‘Kyle Killed Two People and Beat a Murder Rap and is Idolized by Tucker Carlson.’ How’s that? Who idolizes Ron Johnson? Oh, right the Russians. He’s a fool, carrying water for them like he did—spreading rumors about Ukraine and Hunter Biden. That’s so Un-American. I’ll never be anyone’s stooge, that’s for sure. When you carry an AR15, people tend to listen, you know what I mean?”
“But do you think that’s the way to bring people together?”
“Look. I’m idolized by angry young men everywhere,” said Kyle, becoming more querulous. “They don’t care about bringing people together. I stand for youth and inexperience. Not like the fossilized Ron Johnson. I’m unvaccinated, uncircumcised, uneducated— just the kind of man Trump supporters revere. They want to be like me. And women think I’m hot.”
“What happened to your plans to become a nurse? Doesn’t that seem inconsistent with your killing two people and seriously injuring another?”
“Look. Waukesha was infected by liberal BLM scum trashing the town. I knew I had to drive across the border to help out. That’s what I do, I help. My Mom taught me that, she’s a nurse’s assistant. I helped cleanse the city of a few rioters. Same difference.”
“Most people don’t see it that way,” said Ms. Alcindor.
“I don’t care about most people,” Kyle said, fingering‘most people’ in air quotes. I’ve got Donald Trump on my side.”
“Which brings up another point. You’re too young to run, are you not?”
“No!” cried Kyle. “I’m very mature for my age. Donald says it’s no problem. He’ll make sure I can run.”
“You are aware that Trump is no longer president?”
“There you go with that lie. Trump is, too, the President,” said Kyle, crossing his arms over his chest and shifting weight from one foot to another.
“You think Biden is illegitimate?”
“Absolutely, you know it, too. You are just in with the Dems who want to destroy America.”
Senator Johnson, overhearing Kyle’s interview, butted in and said “Even I know that Biden is President. We just can’t have ignorant kids like this running the government.
“I mean, really.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, February 15, 2022
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