January, 2023 nnThe Disney Corporation has recently picked up sticks and left Florida to move to Illinois, a non-crazy Democratic state, resulting in a loss for Florida of 463,000 jobs and billions in revenue.
Ron DeSatan, unwilling to back down on his legislation that forced Disney to move out of state—the “Don’t Say Gay” law; the abortion ban; the ban on certain math textbooks; as well as the ban on discussions of slavery—has been scrambling ever since to replace those jobs and revenue.
DeSatan presented his plan to a round-table meeting of his core staff, supporters and donors.
“A theme park? You think you can replace Disney with your own theme park?” says one of his mega-donors.
“Yeah,” says DeSatan. “It will be unlike any theme park in the world, the best, in fact.”
“What do you intend to call it?”
“Mine-All-Mine,” he said and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Doesn’t that seem a little narcisstic?”
“Perhaps, but stay with me here. The Donald is nothing if not narcissistic, and a little bit psychopathic, as everyone knows. But people don’t care how off-the wall he gets. After he’s forced off the stage, his supporters will suffer from withdrawal and need a fix. I intend to give it to them.”
“How’s that?” says the donor, his sarcasm barely contained.
“Well, for starters, we will set up a shooting gallery right on the midway. This won’t be your father’s midway — no, this will be a realistic high-tech shooting gallery with real guns — you know, the ones that mass shooters use to shoot up schools, churches, shopping centers?”
“Won’t this just be a gateway drug to the real thing? What’s to stop them shooting up real places?”
“What’s to stop them now? At least, they will have a place to work out their grievances, but not have to go to jail or commit suicide. As I see it, it’s a win-win. I’ve discussed it with the Proud Boys, the Oathkeepers, the Incels and others—they’re all over it. They failed at the real coup, but now they can safely play coup-masters all day and no one gets hurt.”
DeSatan takes a swig of water and goes on. “We’re going to set up a huge arena, maybe several of them to accommodate all the shooters, much like the old rubber duckies of yore — you know the ones floating in water you can pick up, turn over to see if you get a winning number on its bottom? Like that, only this will be huge and instead of small yellow ducks, we will have life-sized ones, floating in one pond, but with a real duck in the mix, too. You won’t be able to tell the difference, but the shooter who gets the real duck gets to take it home and have the missus cook it for Sunday dinner.” He stops for a moment to read the room, then goes on.
“In another pond, we also have floating miniature people — of all colors. Points are assigned to each one. We’ve included a floating Cassidy Hutchinson doll and a Ketanji Brown Jackson doll.
We’ve also got floating pregnant female dolls. Because we’ve banned abortion, men are going to be pissed when their gal pals turn up pregnant. And since homicide is the leading cause of death among pregnant women, we give men a chance to take out their anger on these floating dolls instead of their real-life gal pals. If they kill them here, they won’t have to kill them over there, at home.”
‘Isn’t that going a bit far, Ron?” the donor says, chewing on his pencil.
“Not at all. We’ve already sold 250,000 tickets and the construction hasn’t even begun,” he says with a smirk.
“What’s the bottom line on that, Ron?”
“$25 million, just for starters.”
“When do we open?”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, August 1, 2022
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