Charlie Wilson
The Heavener Anti-Militia Militia

Editor's Note: Charlie Wilson is a World War II combat veteran who finally picked up his Bronze Star a couple years ago at the insistence of his son. The elder Wilson is a former house painter, mayor, school board member and recently retired merchant who operates a small coffee bar in Heavener, Okla., and has acquired the monicker, "the Sage of Heavener." This column originally was published in the Oklahoma Observer and was picked up by some regional newspapers, which accounts for the update.

A heck of a lot of people who live in this area of our state (southeastern Oklahoma) realize we hold early morning political discussions in the coffee bar corner of my store. Some of these people come by to debate while others drop by for coffee, even though we raised the price to a dime a cup, because of inflation.

But what the people don't know, or realize, is that yet another para-militiary group has grown out of these meetings.

Our para-militiary group started with only four of us -- an old Cavalry veteran, a Navy man, an Air Force veteran and an ex-Marine. It has grown into a formidable force of older guys. We have no officers, just non-coms and privates.

What started the whole thing was these so-called militias, covertly traipsing around in the mountains of Little Dixie and western Arkansas, to do our federal government in if they didn't stop feeding hungry kids, welfare moms and the homeless; kill every doctor who ever performed an abortion and start praying in schools and stop taxing rich folks.

We are against this activity in our area so we organized what we call the Heavener Anti-Militia Militia (HAMM). We felt we needed to do this in order to have balance, and also in the interest of the peace and tranquility of our people.

It hasn't been easy. We had to start with makeshift training equipment. Their side bought up all those plastic G.I. Joes at Wal-Mart, using them to show different field maneuvers and playing with them during R and R as well as during bad weather.

Because the G.I. Joes were all bought up -- and a low budget -- we had to improvise, so we used hickory nuts (locally called hickernuts) for the same purpose.

In spite of sacrifice and hardship, our recruiting and training have gone well.

Anyhow, we found (through infiltration) their group is composed of those right-wing goofballs who say they want to protect us from our government.

Well, that is how our Heavener Anti-Militia Militia came into being. We decided to protect our government from their militia.

We already have an air force, a squadron of stealth hang gliders cleverly camouflaged sky blue on the bottom side. We also have a navy. Two of our group stormed and occupied the submarine Batfish at Muskogee, thus cutting off their Fort Smith-to-Catoosa supply route.

And what their militia didn't know is that HAMM also has some natural allies in our forest.

We took a prisoner the other day, and it turned out he was their chaplain, who had been trained by Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. He came running and screaming out of our forest. It seems a couple of our larger ticks had swollered his belly button and another of his private parts and he panicked. He acted like Bogart did when he got those leeches all over him and Hepburn had to scrape them off.

We also captured a guy who thought he was a brigadier general. He had two stars on his cap -- one on either side of his NRA lettering. We think he came out of Arkansas because he had a funny-looking red hog for his shoulder patch. He carried a bazooka on his gun rack and a bumper sticker which read, "If you don't like logging, try using plastic for toilet paper."

Well, two in-house shrinks will evaluate our prisoners. They started unbrainwashing them by pointing out -- and firmly insisting -- that the right is wrong, the left is right and the middle is left on the outside.

We believe more progress can be made with these people if they are isolated for a while and kept away from Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy and Pat Robertson.

But, back to the progress of our anti-militia militia. We developed a land mine we call the Dornan. It looks like a pile of horse manure.

Maybe I have said too much here and even given away some of our military secrets (remember "loose lips sink ships" from WW II); but I am a First-Amendment person and think the people have a right to know.

Anti-Militia Militia Update

"The humblest citizen in all the land, when clad in the armor of a righteous cause, is stronger than all the hosts of errors."

I was really taken by those words by William Jennings Bryan, that great American who was silver of tongue. That is the very reason I took on those goofy militias over here in Little Dixie.

Knowing full well that I was the humblest citizen in all the land I also knew (also full well) that these goofy militias were a host of errors. Also knowing (full well) that ours was a righteous cause, we organized the Heavener Anti Militia Militia (HAMM).

HAMM has had some successes and some failures so this update might help the reader understand this complicated issue.

One disturbing thing has happened. A group of their wimpy fellow travelers has sprung up right here in Heavener. They call themselves the Society to Prevent Anti Militias (SPAM).

One of our group defected and joined this nutty group because of philosophical reasons. He was a reader of a large Oklahoma City metropolitan newspaper and went along with Jerry Falwell and Cal Thomas on the religious right state sponsored prayer in the end zone issue.

HAMM has made a few mistakes. An American philosopher once said "Don't look back, they might be gaining on you." We made the mistake of looking back.

But another American philosopher once said "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

I couldn't find one HAMMster who believed that, so we plunged straight ahead. As it turned out we did the right thing because we came up on a group of lost writers. They knew they should have gone left but they veered right and wound up hopelessly lost in the deep woods. They were so happy to see another human that they immediately, on the spot, joined up with HAMM.

We call them the Pen is Mightier than the Sword group (PIMTTS) because of their writing abilities and beliefs, so instead of finding myself up to my tookus in alligators, things are looking up. They are not only armed with pens but typewriters, computers and pencils.

This helped our cause because they (the lost writers) set off a media feeding frenzy which has really helped. Maybe not a nationwide feeding frenzy but some local nibbles took place and our membership jumped dramatically.

Well, out of my successes, two things have happened. I am not the humblest citizen in all the land anymore and I am now making T-shirts with four old hamsters clad in WWII uniforms in front of the flag (American). They (the T-shirts) are going on the market nationwide, all two dozen of them.

The editor may not allow me to write this because it may look like a commercial enterprise. Heck, that's what it is. Pray tell me what is wrong with producing a T-shirt for $5.00 and selling it for $16.95. What could be more American than that.

We are only going to send out two free T-shirts. One is going to the editor of this publication (only if he promises to wear it to his early morning coffee klatch). The other will go to a Cajun friend in Shreveport, La., named Herbert Henschidt. His first name is pronounced Abear and I would rather attend an executive session of SPAM than pronounce that last name.

It's not that big of a deal anyhow, nobody knows him but me.

[Editor's Note: You can get the T-shirts by sending a check for $16.95, made out to Charlie Wilson, care of this publication, while supplies last. No other warranty expressed nor implied.]

Memorial Day

You can think what you want to, but I sometimes think that our country has too many national holidays. I don't have a clue which ones I would eliminate and when one comes along it sure feels good to have a day off. A day off can be good if the time is used wisely.

This past Memorial Day I got up early as I usually do, brewed my first cup, leaned back to enjoy and sort of automatically flicked on the old tube.

I suddenly thought, to hell with this. I turned off the old Zenith and decided to think for myself on this great day.

Some people think you have to be real busy and do something on holidays. I had already decided I wouldn't go fishin'. Got tired of those old bass and crappie and goggle eyes jerkin' me around. I then decided not to have fireworks. Too loud and inappropriate on Memorial Day. Then I discounted horseback riding. Wouldn't that be foolish with an air-conditioned Lincoln Town Car sitting in my driveway with a full tank of gas and fully equipped with hot and cold door handles and teardrop hubcaps?

Anyhow, I put thinking about those foolish activities out of my mind, poured my second cup and drifted out on my patio.

I went through some quality time out there. First, I thanked the God of my understanding for allowing me to be born almost smack dab in the middle of this great country. And in the prettiest part of Oklahoma and with all the freedom and opportunities I have enjoyed for all these years.

Then things got scary. Out of nowhere I said a prayer for those so-called Christian miserable money-grubbing right-wing goobers who do nothing but childish name calling, hate mongering, President bashing and all those other distasteful things so-called Christian right-wing money-grubbing goobers do. President Clinton discourages hate mongering while those peckerwoods encourage it. I believe they and extremist radio talk show hosts promote terrorist acts.

I thought I was a Christian because my mama told me I was, but I will not associate myself with the likes of Pat Robertson, his propaganda minister Ralph Reed, Oliver North and all the rest, including that paragon of virtue, Jerry Falwell.

I suppose I think the nearest thing to spiritual perfection is a liberal Methodist Democrat.

I've said it before, and I may be wrong, but I believe that it is okay for us to think and read and dance. I also can't help but believe it is okay to cuss if you do it proper and if you cuss the right things.

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