The Raccoons' Revolt


A rebel faction from the House of Reprehensibles was holding a secret meeting. Some members of the Royal Raccoons wanted to oust the reigning raccoon, Squeaker Slug Nitgritch.

These young coons were rabid -- running amok, biting and snapping at everyone. Of course, this is standard behavior for them, but they were being even more revolting than usual. They denounced their absent leader, foaming off at the mouth about what a traitor he was to the Raccoonican Revolution.

Attempting to restore order was the Raccoons' Perjority Leaner, Right Reprehensible Dork Navey.

"RACCOONS, RACCOONS, PLEASE!" he shouted. They glanced up and quieted down a bit, but the young 'coons were suspicious of Dork. They didn't know if he was really rabid. "Now, let's be instinctive about this," Dork pleaded. "I understand your concerns but you're all acting like a bunch of human beings. Put your trust in me and we won't have to sink to that level."

"Slug has outlived his usefulness," called out one of the ringleaders. "He doesn't deserve to head the pack." Then he started a bunch of them chanting, "SLUG MUST GO! SLUG MUST GO!"

Navey threw up his paws and gave up. He quietly slipped out the back as up came Far Right Perjority Claw Tom DeSlay to speak. He stood on his hind legs and howled along with the pack. Then they gathered around to listen.

"YOU'RE RIGHT, RACCOONS! WAY RIGHT! This is no time to be reasonable. Let's be true to our guts and follow our dream of making this Lodge the domain of the truly rabid, so we can make ranting, raving Raccoonicanism a reality."

DeSlay paused as the coons let out some howls. He smiled broadly at their adulation and foam showed on his lips.

"My Royal Rabid Raccoons, you know I'll always stand with you," DeSlay continued. "It's time for Slug to learn it's survival of the fittest not the fattest. I say we go for the throat. The time is now."

DeSlay and the rabid rebels went berserk, biting, foaming and howling away. They partied deliriously as if their victory was already won.

However, in a short while there came a clattering at the entrance to the lodge, and who should waddle in but Squeaker Slug, followed by a horde of regular Royal Raccoons. There were so many loyal Raccoons, in fact, that that the young rebels drew back.

As Slug approached the stage, Tom DeSlay rushed over saying, "Welcome, Mr. Squeaker, we're so glad to see you."

"I'm sure you are, Tom, said Slug with a glare in his eye. That's when DeSlay noticed Dork Navey following Slug up to the stage. Dork was carrying a large tray full of hypodermic needles.

The needles contained rabies vaccine. Slug's loyalists took them and fanned out amongst the cowering 'coons.

And the rabid Royal Raccoon rebellion was repulsed.

Frank Lingo of Lawrence, Kansas, is a contributing columnist to the Kansas City Star and a regular commentator on KANU radio's Morning Edition in Lawrence.

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