Stop the Schmear Against Palin

By KATIE HALPER

Gov. Palin, or Sarahla, I hope you don't mind if I call you Sarahla, do you? As we all know, Schlameals from the left to the right are getting their yarmulkes all up in a bunch because you accused the media of blood libel.

Blood libel -- the claim that Jews murder Christian babies to use their blood for rituals such as making matzoh -- is, of course, a false claim. My matzoh is so to die for it doesn’t need condiments anyway, but, moving on. Sure, you're not Jewish, and sure, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is. But Az di bobe volt gehat beytsim volt zi geven mayn zeyde! (If my grandmother had testicles she would be my grandfather.) As a Jewess, I think it's an absolute shandeh that so many schmucks, be they goys or yids, are talking such drek about you. They have some chutzpah! Feh! All this mishegas over bubkhis, really! I think you have every right to make any statements about us chosen people because you practically are a chosen person yourself. Here is why I officially name you Sarahla Palinksy: an honorary Jew.

1. What's in a name? A lot of Jewishness! Your name Sarah, and your abstinent (almost) only daughter's baby daddy is named Levi. Whoah! How Jewy is that? And I suspect that said daughter is named Bristol because it is a derivation of the word bissel (little) because when she was born she was little. The Jewish Chronicle even “reckon[s]” that your husband is Jewish (though their use of the word reckon puts their own Jewishness into question).

2. You keep Israel close to your heart ... or at least your chest where you place your Israel lapel pin.

3. You have an Israel flag in your office. You once told Israel’s president Shimon Peres, “The only flag at my office is an Israeli flag ... and I want you to know and I want Israelis to know that I am a friend.” Well it turns out Israel is one of three flags but who's counting? And it’s smaller but that's so it stands out from the bigger framed flags.

4. There's a site called Jews for Sarah so that means that there are definitely Jews who are for you. They do have “coming soon” under the “reasons they support you,” under your “family values” and under “fiscal responsibility,” but I'm sure they're sifting through all their reasons and there are so many and that’s why it's taking so long.

5. You're mishbuka. You have such a mystical connection to Jews, you called Israeli President Simon Peres, whom you had never met, “my old friend.” Such a connection. It’s kismet.

6. You see Jewish people from your window (there have to be some left in Russia).

7. You keep kosher or at least really like to nosh on moose, which is kosher, I’m pretty sure.

8. You're a huge fan of probably the most famous Jew in all of history.

9. Major FOTJ (Friend of the Jews) Pat “too many Jews on the Supreme Court” Buchanan thinks what you said is more than kosher, it’s excellent: “Frankly I thought it was an excellent statement with regard to the phrase ‘blood libel’ ... “That of course refers to the libel that was used in the Middle Ages, charges against Jews that were utterly unsupportable slanders and I think she’s using it in that context.” Fingers crossed, other FOTJs, like David Duke and Prussian Blue will defend you also. Then the matter will be settled.

10. You're such a Jew, I even designed a cover for your next book, Going Rugelach: A Jewish American Life.

Katie Halper is a comic raised on the mean streets of New York City’s Upper West Side. Katie co-founded Laughing Liberally, a political comedy group. See KatieHalper.com.

From The Progressive Populist, February 15, 2011