Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Tell All, Tell Fast

The Library of Congress houses 39,000,000 books (https://www.loc.gov/about/fascinating-facts/) and therein lies the problem. How can it possibly make room for the 79 million new books soon to be published about the White House and Donald J. Trump?

Bob Woodward is just the latest author to publish an intimate portrait of our dear Donald and his staff. His book is entitled Fear: Trump in the Whitehouse. Written by one of America’s most trusted journalists, it’s another in a long line of books that Trump will not and perhaps can not read. He’s known to be a non-reader. In fact he seems to hate reading.

According to David A. Graham in the Atlantic, Jan. 5, 2018, “Before the inauguration, Trump told Axios, ‘I like bullets or I like as little as possible. I don’t need, you know, 200-page reports on something that can be handled on a page. That I can tell you.’” He prefers getting reports aurally, over the phone, or in person.

Curious about what books are in the pipeline, I conducted a survey of nine major publishers and received a robust list of titles. I wondered how they could justify cluttering up the Library of Congress with many more such tomes? They were unanimous in the belief that the taxpayers should pay for a new wing of the LOC. If it had the will, they thought, Congress could probably sneak a few million dollars into the budget somewhere. Since the name of the line item in the budget would be “Library of Congress” and not “Library of Trump,” he’d probably not even notice. And anyway, one of his staffers would probably just forge his signature.

What are the titles we can expect to see in the coming years?

1) Loathing by Melania Trump

2) Greed Be Good by Steve Mnuchin

3) My Apologia by General John Kelley.

4) How Bad Could I Be? by Mike Pence

5) The Father I Never Knew by Baron Von Trump

6) How I Learned to Despise Democracy by Steve Bannon

7) Redemption Denied by Franklin Graham

8) I’m Bad, They’re Worse Than That by Kelly Anne Conway

9) How to Out-Trump Trump by Omarosa

10) Smoke, of the Nuclear Variety, Gets in Your Eyes, by Jim Mattis, Secretary of Defense

11) I’m Small, I’m Ugly, but God Wanted Me to be Attorney General by Attorney General Jeff Sessions

12) Brown Babies are Not in My Wheelhouse by Kirstjen M. Nielsen, Secretary of Homeland Security

13) The ‘Stache Seen Round the World by John R. Bolton, National Security Adviser

14) I Did Not Make this S**t Up, by Sarah Sanders Huckabee

15) How SNL Ruined My Life and Career, by Sean Spicer

16) Minding Our P’s and Q’s, (Profit and Quarterlies) by Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education,

17) Is It Hot in Here or Is It Just Me? by Rick Perry, Secretary of Energy

18) It’s All in Your Head by Alex Azar, Secretary of Health and Human Services,

19) Poverty is Just a State of Mind, or Take Two Oxys and Call Me In the Morning by Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development,

20) How to Marry a Powerful Dweeb by Elaine Chao, Secretary of Transportation

21) Take Your PSTD and Shove It, Soldier Boy by Robert Wilke, Secretary of Veterans Affairs.

22) Breathing in Coal Dust and Lovin’ It, by Andrew Wheeler, Acting Director of the EPA.

23) I Thought Being Cute Was Enough by Niki Haley, Ambassador to the United Nations

We can only hope that the final book will be, How We Dumped Trump and the Republican Party for Good by the 235,248,000 eligible voters in the United States.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, October 15, 2018

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