And so we turn to Maimonides, the 12th century Jewish philosopher, for guidance in figuring out a way to deal with men and their sexual transgressions against women. Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, Brett Kavanaugh, Les Moonves, and John Hockenberry are just a few who come to mind.
By ourselves we’ve been unable to resolve the question of when or if these men deserve redemption or acceptance back into their professional folds. We need only turn to the comedian Louis CK’s recent surprise drop-in performance at the New York Comedy Cellar to illustrate this conundrum. Many articles were inked after his performance: Has he been contrite enough? Has he been contrite at all? Has he apologized to the women he hurt? Has he made amends? Has he learned any damn thing that would keep him from dropping trou and masturbating in the presence of unwilling females? Does he deserve redemption and if so, who is to dispense it? Does he deserve to live?
Surprisingly, answers to these and other questions have been hard to come by. Since men have been writing the Sexual Playbook for eons, we are just now beginning to grapple with what sort of additions and revisions are needed, née required to make our society more equal and safe for women.
Using Google’s Secret Celestial Face Me Tool, we were able to travel back in time to contact Rabbi Maimonides to ask for his advice. In the 12th century he had a lot to say about repentance (which customarily precedes redemption), going so far as to write up a Six-Step Program for offenders.
After I read Maimonides’ Six Steps, I reached out to Google and proposed that we employ their revolutionary tool to contact him, sensing he would be the right person to jumpstart our thinking.
Google was gracious enough to allow me to visit their headquarters in Mountain View, Calif. They were excited to road test their invention in this capacity. One of the developers, who asked that his name not be used, ushered me into the secure room and seated me before Google’s most powerful computer. He clicked open the Secret Celestial Face Me Tool and hit Start. The blue screen shimmered as the face of Maimonides swung into view. He appeared just as he had in the illustrations I found during my previous perusals on Google—turban wound tightly around his head, long dark beard, almond eyes.
I thanked him for showing up and explained to him our dilemma.
“Yes, yes,” he said. “This is all new to me, but I’m happy to know my work might still be relevant and useful.”
I told him about the plan for the next couple of hours: 1) show him some moving pictures which we call a “video recording” of women describing the offenses CK committed against them; 2) invite Louis CK into the room to talk with the rabbi, in the hopes that CK would learn some valuable lessons.
Louis CK, still stung by the rebukes that followed his ersatz return to the stage was eager to attend in person. He was open, he’d said, to being guided toward repentance and redemption by one of the world’s most respected authorities, especially since his own efforts had fallen flat.
We started off by playing for Maimonides some clips of women describing Louis CK’s lewd behavior and how that drove them out of comedy and out of their jobs.
“This?” Maimonides cries. “This is what goes on now in a civilized country? This? You say he’s a comedian? We had people like that in my time, only we called them fools.”
“Yes,” I say. “I’m afraid things like this happen all too frequently. We have no template for how as a society we are to treat these men after they have been exposed. I’m hoping that your world-famous Six-Step program might show us the way.”
“Well, give me a minute here to clear my mind,” the rabbi says, putting his palm to his forehead. “Yours is not a good civilization if you need to reach back to me for some guidance, but I will do my best. Please bring in Mr. CK.”
I stand up, open the door. Louis CK strolls in and sits down next to me behind the computer screen. He strokes his red beard.
“Hey there, Mr. M. I’ve heard a lot about you. How’s it goin’?”
“Yes, yes. I understand you need my help with your, er, problem, is that correct?”
“Well, uh,” he says and looks over at me. I scowl. “Yes, sir, yes, I do.”
“Let us begin, then. I will ask you a series of questions to guide you through the Six Steps. I warn you, though that these are not for the faint of heart, but if your heart is strong and desires redemption, I can show you the path. Agreed?”
“Um, yeah, sure.” He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms.
“First question. Do you believe you harmed these women as they say you have done? And are you willing to make amends?”
“Well, I know it was wrong, what I did, and I’m sorry. I’ve said that many times already, I’m sorry.” He looks over at me.
“Do you understand that your behavior has greatly harmed these women?” says Maimonides.
“Well, I’m not … sure,” he strokes his mustache. “Yes, I guess, it did.”
“You guess?”
“Well, with some chicks, how do you know?”
“Mr. CK. May I remind you that I’m here to help, but I fear I am, how do you say, casting my pearls before swine.”
“Hey, did you just call me a swine?” he says and jumps up.
“If the oink fits, own it.”
“Now, that’s …”
“Shut up and sit back down!” I holler at CK.
Maimonides continues. “Second question. Have you prayed or in any way asked for help, say, from therapy to understand exactly what you have done and why? And do you admit your guilt?”
“Well, I talked with my sister, Sally … by the way, did you hear the one about—?”
“Stop. Stop! You people of the 21st century are a great disappointment to me.You’ve learned nothing from me in the past, and you are learning nothing now. I’ll give you one more chance. Do you believe you have made sufficient change so as to keep you from making bad choices in the future?”
“Well now, that’s pushin’ it, don’t you think? I mean, where’s the fun in that?”
“Have you learned anything from what we’ve just talked about?”
“Well, yeah. I was bad, very bad, I need to pay, and not do it again, if I can help it.”
“I’m afraid I can’t continue with you,” says Maimonides, frowning and shaking his head. “I don’t hold out much hope for your redemption, my son. You just don’t get it. Instead of popping up at open mics I suggest you pop into a shelter for abused women.”
“Well,” I say and clear my throat. “Thank you very much, Rabbi, for taking the time to talk to us. We really appreciate it.”
Maimonides says, “I tried, Miss Rosie, but please do not contact me again. Let me be. You people are hopeless. I do not wish to involve myself in your pitiful affairs.” With that he disappeared from the screen.
I shove my chair back, stand up, put my hands on my hips and say to CK, “Well, how’d that work out for you, big guy?”
Louis CK grins and says, “Wanna go get a drink?”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2018
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