Satire/Rosie Sorenson

There’s a New Crust in Town

Just as the American South has never gotten over losing the Civil War to the North, the Brits have never recovered from losing the Revolutionary War to the colonists.

For 242 years, the Brits have been contemplating a way to exact their revenge, and at last they’ve hit upon The Solution.

In a hostile takeover of Facebook, effective Jan. 31, 2019, The Great British Baking Show will officially take the reins of the social media behemoth, acquiring all its assets —lox, stock and bagels. Out with the hate, the lies and fake news—in with the bundts, the streudel and pannetone. Presiding over the transition will be Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood, the venerable judges from the famous baking show.

No one is quite sure how the Great British Baking Show came up with enough dough to make the purchase; however, the name of George Soros is being mulled over.

“Not to sugarcoat this,” said Paul in a recent interview, “but who gives a fig how we acquired Facebook? Most everyone seems happy with the new confection. I know the Brits are. They’ve not yet recovered from the fact that Facebook dug its fingers into the damnable pie of Brexit. Facebook has poured a shame sauce over everything they’ve cooked up. We, on the other hand, are re-working the stew and offering something more tasty to the world: All Baking, All the Time, from all over the world. Something people can easily digest and enjoy instead of coming away from their daily feed scroll feeling depressed and sad about their lives.”

Mark Zuckerberg and Cheryl Sandberg, named The Most Despicable People on the Planet by People Magazine for 2018, were slurried away in disbelief. “How could this happen to us?” they said in unison upon being escorted out of their Silicon Valley headquarters. “All we wanted to do was to mash up everyone on the planet. Our intentions were savagely misunderstood by all those half-baked reporters and pickled legislators on both sides of the Atlantic!”

Former snickerdoodled Facebook patsies are down with the new policies of No More Advertising, No More Data Collection, No More Selling of Private Information and No More Pissing Off Our Constituents. Millions of American dollars and British pounds are flooding into the coffers of the Great British Baking Show, mostly in small denominations. According to Mary Berry, “People are grateful to us for ridding the planet of that rancid vessel of all things tasteless. I can’t tell you how many darling people have told me, ‘I only ever wanted to learn how to bake a cherry pie for my family, not be exposed to all those stupid photos of my so-called friends on their Caribbean vacations, or all those bilious ads for this or that candidate, or news feeds telling me why I should hate immigrants or join the KKK. I feel liberated now.’”

As well you should, my darling, as well we all should.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, February 1, 2019

Populist.com