Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Tidying up with Trump

Trump is not the terrible person he’s been made out to be. No. Even though Michael Lewis, in his book The Five Risks, documents Trump’s arrogance and contempt for important government departments—specifically Agriculture, Energy and Commerce— there is another side to the story.

What Mr. Lewis couldn’t have known was that Trump had been a secret admirer of Marie Kondo for years and that his admiration would later guide his handling of departmental decisions after he took office.

Marie Kondo sold eight million copies of her 2014 bestseller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidyng Up, including the five copies one of Trump’s aides purchased for him so as to hide his identity as a Kondo fan. Her philosophy is simple: toss out anything that doesn’t “spark joy.” Whether it be furniture, t-shirts, tchotchkes or jeans, if it ain’t got that spark, there’s no place to park (not her words exactly, but you get the picture.)

What’s little known is that after the 2016 Inauguration, Trump ordered one of his staffers to draw up a list of each of the Executive departments for which he was responsible and to include a detailed checklist of its major functions. Trump, a notoriously bad reader, summoned Bob to appear in person to review each department.

Bob, a tall, slim thirty-something, enters the Oval Office. Trump motions for Bob to take a seat next to his desk.

“Let’s start with reviewing the Department of Commerce,” Trump says to Bob as he pulls up his sleeves. “I love trade. I love business. I’m good at trade, trade is my life.”

“Well, uh, Sir, the thing is that’s not what the Department of Commerce does,” says Bob, sitting rigid in this chair..

Trump scowls and says, “Well then what the hell does it do?”

“Well, uh, Sir, most of its funding supports the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration or NOAA, for short. It provides all our weather forecasting. Its mission is to save lives and property through its accurate forecasting.” Bob scratches his forehead.

“Oh, that. Hmmm, let me see,” Trump says and looks at the list. “Nope. I feel no joy, no spark of joy, no spark at all for that. Besides, I’ve already lined up Barry Myers of AccuWeather to take over that department. Private business can do a much better job than government. Next.”

“Uh, OK then. What about the Census?”

“What about it, except for the fact that we need to ask everyone if they’re citizens. We have to stem the tide of illegals and their voter fraud. I spark to that, if that’s what you’re asking, big spark, big joy, keep those illegals from voting—major spark here. What else?”

“Let’s move on to the Department of Energy,” says Bob, fidgeting as he flips through his documents.”

“Great. Now, that’s something I can spark to. Drilling for oil. Especially off the coast of California—makes Nancy’s head spin!”

“Well, no, Sir. That’s not what the Department of Energy does. Sir.” Bob’s hands reveal a slight tremor.

“You’re joking, Bob?” Trump fiddles with his enormously long red tie. “They told me you were a kidder—kidding right?”

“No, Sir. The Department of the Interior handles all the drilling permits. The Department of Energy manages our entire nuclear arsenal and monitors nuclear weapons all around the world.”

“OK, I can spark to that—that gives me joy to snoop on the damn Russians. Did you hear how they bragged about their new super-duper missile? Well, I’ve just met with my Defense Department and told them to step it up, step it—show those Ruskies!”

“Yes, Sir. Good idea, Sir. The Department of Energy also oversees the cleanup of the Hanford nuclear waste site.”

“What the hell is that? What nuclear waste? I was told that nuclear is clean energy, clean.”

“Not exactly. The Hanford site in Washington State began in 1943 to manufacture nuclear bombs. Before it was decommissioned after the cold war, it produced plutonium for more than 60,000 weapons built for the US nuclear arsenal. ”

“Yeah, so? What has it done for me lately?” says Trump crossing his arms over his chest.

“The problem, Sir, is that it’s a highly toxic site with some 53 million gallons of toxic waste to be disposed of. The Department of Energy is responsible for the cleanup which will go on for decades. The plutonium is already infiltrating nearby groundwater and if it gets into the Columbia River, it will poison the entire Pacific Northwest.”

“Again, so? They didn’t vote for me up there so why should I care?”

Bob set his papers back down in his lap and stared at the President.

“Uh, uh, I don’t know how to answer that, Mr. President.”

“As I’ve said before, ‘no spark’, no joy here, Bob. I’m sure they’ve got good people to handle that … or not. Who cares?”

Trump continues, “And, what’s with all these department names that don’t match their functions? That’s no way to run a business. Just goes to show you—the swamp, the swamp. I’m draining it, I am. See how Trump drains the swamp. No spark in the swamp. No joy.”

Marie Kondo: 1. The America People: 0.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, March 1, 2019

Populist.com