Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Trump’s Shadow and Cries

In the funky neighborhood of Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania, resides a groundhog—firm and fat and pissed off. His name is Punxsutawney Phil.

“Another damn Feb. 2 and I have to tell a lie to the folks in town and make them think I can predict the weather. How stupid are these people, with their groundhog fetish? I hate it when they grab and pull me out of my hole. I’m in my hole because, well, I’m a groundhog. Ground. Hog. Get it, people? How would you like it if I came to your house and dragged your ass out of your bedroom? Same difference.

“I love to be snug in my hole, but now—the lights and the damn cameras—people are so excited. I suppose that’s good for critters like me—get me some respect, except, not so much. I’d like to know where they are the rest of the year, when my nest is flooding, the weather is horrible, and climate change threatens my entire family. Where are they then? Nowhere, is where. No Where! Does FEMA care? No, they do not. Every year, I have to haul my fat butt out of my hole and start all over in another place to build my nest. It’s damn un-American, is what it is. And my name isn’t even Phil, it’s Kevin, but do they care? Nooo. Hell, I can’t even spell Punxs … Oh, crap, just call me Phil.

“And then, one damn day every year, with me as the butt of the joke, they come out to carry on their centuries-old tradition and party like it’s 1887. Yep, here they go again, pulling and tugging on me. I want to holler, ‘Get your mitts off me, you losers’, but I’m afraid I’ll end up as groundhog stew. What would my wife and kids do?

“Alrighty, then. They want a party? I’ll give them a party. Lights, camera, action!”

The master of ceremonies places Phil on the ground. Phil looks over his shoulder and cries, “Omigod, I see Trump’s shadow. Trump. It’s going to be an early Spring, folks, impeach Trump. Early Spring, impeach Trump. Early Spring, impeach that Mo**erf**ker.”

“Are you happy now, people?”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, March 15, 2019

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