Satire/Rosie Sorenson

The One State Solution

Wednesday, April 10, 2019, 9:07 a.m. EST. Washington, D.C.

Mick Mulvaney, Trump’s Chief of Staff, enters the Oval Office, out of breath and red in the face. Trump looks up from his huge desk.

“What’s up, Mick?”

Mulvaney, pacing back and forth, shouts, “Is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“Did you cede California to Mexico?”

“Yes.” Trump crosses his arms over his chest.

“Are you out of your mind, Sir?”

“No. I’m fully in charge of my mind, Mick. A good mind. The best mind.”

“But, you can’t do that, Sir!”

“Barr told me I could and I did.” Trump sips Diet Coke from his presidential mug.

“But why Mexico? Why not give California to, I dunno, Canada?”

“Are you kidding? And let them have universal health care and a nice government and nice people to deal with? No, those bastards and bitches need to be punished for hating me. I’m tired of being sued by those damn metrosexuals. And, besides, Kamala, now being a Mexican citizen, is not eligible to run against me. Ha! How do you like dem apples?”

“Did you tell governor Newsom?”

“No, I figured he could find out like the rest of the country—on Fox News. Look, Mick, you need to calm down. It’s a done deal and that’s that.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, see, after I gave the Golan Heights to Bibi, I says to myself, Well, Trump, that worked out pretty well. What else could you do? California has been a thorn in my side for years so I says, OK, Trump, how about you combine your two biggest problems: immigration and those crazy libs in Cailfornia—so I called up President Obrador and told him. He was happy as me with a hooker to take California back from the gringos, so we did it.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t consult anyone.”

“Oh but I did. I called up Bill Barr and he said, Sure, if you feel like dumping California, do it. I have your back. I love that man.

“Here’s the best part. I’ve ordered Homeland Security from now on to send all immigrants arriving at our southern border to go to California, now Mexifornia, where they will be welcome. Hell, they’re mostly illegals that live there anyway, what’s a few million more. And, besides, we all know those sanctuary-loving Dems want Open Borders. So I’ll give them their Open Borders, yuppie scum. See how they like it.”

“But, what if the immigrants don’t want to be under Mexican control, what’s to stop them from fleeing to other states? Are you going to build a wall between California and the rest of the country?”

“I won’t have to. They will stay in Mexifornia because it will be the best part of Mexico and not the sh*thole part, you get my drift, little, Mickey? They’ll all have jobs caring for all the old people, fighting those stupid deadly fires, picking avocados and stuff. They want a better life and they will have it, at least for awhile, until the gangs take over, then they will be back at square one. But, hey, we’ll all be dead and buried by that time, so who cares?”

“But what about all the fruit and vegetables and nuts that grow in California? How can we live without them?”

“We won’t have to. I’ll make a really good trade deal with Mexico for all that stuff. Don’t worry, little Mickey, we’ll have the same produce for lower prices. Trust me.”

“Silicon Valley?”

“They don’t like me either.They don’t like conservatives. They’ll beg me to let them back into this country, you wait and see. I’ll let them move to the states under certain conditions, my conditions, so we get a fair shake. After all, I gave them huge tax breaks last year, but I never felt the love coming back my way. Now they will pay.”

“You’re crazy, Sir.”

“Come now, Mickey, say Hola to your new neighbors.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, June 1, 2019

Populist.com