In a surprise move on Monday, Nov. 3, 2020, one day before the election, Donald J. Trump resigned as President of the United States. Soon after, Vice President Mike Pence and the Cabinet and other department heads submitted their resignations.
No one saw this coming. The nation was shocked. It followed on the heels of the uncontested merger of Facebook, Amazon, Twitter, Google, and Microsoft, now known as FATGM. Their campaign slogan was “We know everything—no need to vote.”
The Consortium set about disbanding Congress, ex parte, citing no need for it. President Mark Zuckerberg reassured Americans on Fox News that “Congress is outmoded — you’ve seen how slow they are to act and to make changes. You’ve seen senators in hearings asking stupid questions about our technology, like Sen. Grassley, saying, ‘What’s an app?’ We, on the other hand, are guided by the ‘Move Fast and Break Things’ philosophy you so prized in Donald Trump, except we do it more efficiently and without the bother of that pesky Congress. As many have said before us, the old, old, ancient even, Constitution was not designed for this modern world. It only gets in our way. We are driven by market forces, i.e. the markets we will force upon you, which we have already decided upon as we have sifted through the billions of bits and bytes you’ve surrendered to us. You have already given us permission to use that data in any way we see fit and we see fit to streamline the democracy of America. Hold onto your hats.”
Rumor has it that the consortium had in its possession the complete un-redacted Mueller report and its work product, along with Steele dossiers on everyone in the White House. When threatened with public release, Trump, Pence, the Cabinet and Sarah Sanders knew their only choice was to leave the country. They’re rumored to have fled to the Isle of Man which Trump recently purchased with a trillion dollar loan from Deutsche Bank.
The world was watching nervously as rumors of a takeover spread faster than a BP oil slick. Expectations were high that there would be riots in the streets and loud vocal protests. Instead, the world witnessed only a collective shrug from the Americans. The BBC was on hand in Washington, D.C., to conduct interviews. When Sam Brown of Tennessee was asked about this, he said “We’ve already been doing business with these companies for decades, I can’t see how it can hurt for them to run the country—they kind of already have, know what I mean? I say give them a chance. Couldn’t be any worse than the Democrats.”
FATGM quickly hired Chinese contractors to move to the US to build Uighur-style re-education facilities for the very old, the very young, and the homeless, three unproductive segments of society. “Don’t worry,” says President Zuckerberg. “They will all be taken care of. When the young reach working age, they will be assigned good jobs at one of our companies.”
“But what about the rest?” inquired Chris Wallace of Fox News.
“No need to worry about them. They will be taken care of.”
“But isn’t this un-consti—“
“You forget, Chris, there is no more Constitution—get over it. What’s legal now is what we say is legal. Submit to that, and you will have no problem. Fight it, and you will be re-educated.”
FATGM, Baby.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Email: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2019
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