October, 2019
Trump is melting down faster than a cheese sandwich sizzling under a savage sun. You want fries with that? Which is fine except that he’s taking a lot of us with him. In a few short years, we will be nothing but oozing blobs of yellow on the hot sidewalk, while he’s off to one of his gazillion golf courses, spending what’s left in our treasury to enjoy himself. Little people? I spit on them. I hit golf balls off their ugly noses.
January 2021
“Well, that was fun,” he exclaimed on the 9th hole. “I was THE best president the United States ever had and they didn’t appreciate me. So, eff ’em! I got what I wanted, more wealth than the combined balance sheets of several nations and more friends than Obama — Duterte, Putin, MBS, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Bolsonaro, Jeffrey Epstein, oops, he’s dead. Hell of a guy, though, just a helluva guy. We both loved pretty women, girls actually. Too bad about Jeffrey.
“Many people were too stupid to listen to me, and now look at them with the Dems in charge: recession, Big Time. Millions out of work. Stock market tanked. Bread lines we haven’t seen since the Great Depression. I did the best I could, I really did, but the Fed just would not listen. China would not listen, a good share of the America people would not listen. And impeachment? They didn’t have a thing on me. So, eff ’em. I’m having fun again. That White House gig was a drag—people always telling you about ‘norms,’—why, I eat norms for breakfast, lunch and dinner, wash them down with a Big Gulp. Diet Coke for me. They were always trying to control me, not let me be me, hated that, just hated that. Now I can be full on me. Me. Donald Trump. Former president of the United States, leader of the free world. Me. There’s never been anyone like me, never will be. Just Me! They’ll be sorry. You’ll see. Beg me to come back.”
December 2021 Leavenworth Prison, Kansas
“How could they? Barr, the traitor. Fox News, the traitors, I made these fools, and now they stab me in the back? How could this be happening? And now I’m on suicide watch? Oh, as if I’m Jeffrey-effing-Epstein. Get me out of here! Where’s my fixer, oh, right he’s still in jail. Where are all my friends, oh, right, they’re all in jail. I shoulda picked better friends.
“Where am I? Leavenworth? Kansas? That sh*thole country? You can’t do that to me.
“Dammit, Melania, come back here, please. I’ll be nicer to you, I promise, but you gotta get me outta here!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2019
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