Donald Trump received an early Christmas gift from McDonald’s: a set of its new scented candles. When lit at the same time, the scents of the candles (beef patty, cheese, pickles, ketchup and a sesame seed bun), atomize a room with the fragrance of Quarter Pounder, sending the Burger-in-Chief into paroxysms of delight.
Not to be outdone, the Coca-Cola Company, in conjunction with Pat Robertson’s Christian Coalition, has developed a candle in the shape of Jesus which, when lit, emits the scent of Diet Coke, as well as the voice of Jesus singing, “Please release me, let me go …” The song was cleverly programmed into the candle by a disgruntled former Trumpie. Irony is and always has been above Trump’s pay grade. No one in his immediate sphere dares tell him.
Trump loves his scented candles, especially the one shaped like Jesus.
“I knew he was on my side,” Trump said to no one in particular. “From Day One, I knew it, now I really believe. The Jesus Candle, just for me. He sent it to me I know he did.”
The Donald added it to his collection of other candles, many shaped like porn stars—the Stormy Candle which, unfortunately, keeps tilting over on her face; the Karen McDougal candle; the Candle of the Unknown Porn Star.
“Melania doesn’t know it, but I have them all! I know Jesus was one Hot Dude, like me. Just think of all the hot babes wanting to touch his sandals and him getting to touch theirs. When you’re Jesus, they let you do anything. Why else do you think he turned water into wine? The Babes, the Babes.
“Indians—no, not them, the other kind, the kind who like me. I just went to India for a visit. They think I’m God! Didja hear that? God. That swami guy said so on national TV. Boy, you can’t pay for publicity like that, uh, well, you can, but in this case, I didn’t. Or maybe my people did—well, anyway, he was right. Jesus loves me. His candle tells me so. Am I not God?
“Very smart people, those Indians.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, April 1, 2020
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