Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Kermit Goes to Washington

According to a memo leaked by a disgruntled member of the State Department, the daily “White House Intelligence Briefing” has now morphed into “Managing the President’s Brief Intelligence.”

The memo reports that due to the President’s short attention span, the Muppets have been tasked with presenting information to the President in a way he can understand.

When the President first heard about that plan, he said, “Finally, people I can relate to. Not deep state. Their poll numbers are very good, very good, and they’re very rich, very rich. I like rich people. And they’re funny, unlike most of these deep-staters.”

Each morning, when all the briefing team members are assembled in the Oval Office—the ODNI, the CIA, the IC and the EIEIO— the Muppets take center stage to launch the briefest of briefs.

To set the mood, Kermit the Frog, Elmo, Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch sing in unison the transmogrified version of the Muppet theme song, “Sunny Day.”

“Money day
Wishing the virus away
On my way
to where my polls are sweet
Can you tell me how to win
how to win on election day.”

The Muppets then stand aside as one by one the members of the team sitting around the table with Trump give the President their forecast.

ODNI: “Cloudy but with a chance of clearing the virus by July.”

CIA: “Putin writes to say he’s sorry about the whole missile thing and that he still loves you.”

IC: “We can win against Biden if you just keep up the negative pressure.”

Whereupon the Muppets pull out Glock-like water pistols and break into their own version of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust,” dancing and squirting the members as they sing:

“Jill and Joe walk down the street,
The bodyguard’s walking slow,
Tara’s stalking right behind,
His chances she would blow.”

“Is he ready, is he ready for this?
Is he hanging on the edge of his seat?
Can he dodge the smears, can he dodge the tears,
Can he shuffle past the sound of Trump’s beat?”

The team members squirm unsuccessfully in an effort to dodge the watery blasts. The CIA is the only member tapping his foot in time to the music.

“Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Biden bites the dust.”

“Another one bites the dust
Joey bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Biden bites the dust.”

The President leaps up, claps hard and rushes over to shake the hands, er paws, of the Muppet’s. “Now that’s how I like my daily briefings!”

The Muppets bow, then skip out the door. The briefing team shuffles close behind them, slowly shaking their heads.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2020

Populist.com