Journalism School Refresher

By FRANK LINGO

After three years of covering Trump in the White House Press Corpse, I was brain dead. A paid vacay was okay.

So I returned to my alma mater, Vegetative State. The journalism school was honoring my old mentor Howie Lyesome as Professor Emeritus (Latin for Geezer).

After the ceremony, I went backstage to shake his hand.

“Great to see you again, Arthur!” said the professor.

“It’s Frank, sir. And great to see you’re still here molding young minds.”

“Yeah, we’ve had to call Maintenance about the mold. So are you gainfully employed in your chosen profession?”

“Yes, sir, I’m covering Trump every day.”

The professor scowled. “Oh, so you’ve wasted your talents. I’d say a prayer for you if I weren’t an atheist.”

“Sure, it’s grim,” I replied, “but how else will the people know what the President is doing? I must admit, tho, I’m out of ideas on how to present Trump’s daily duplicity.

“Go back to the basics, Barney. Remember what I taught you in Fake News 101. You can’t go wrong with the Five W’s: Who?, Where?, When?, Why? and What The F**k?”

“So you’re saying to just list the lineup of lies I report? But what if I know Trump’s statements are false the moment he spouts them?”

“Judging is not the journalist’s job, Jerome. Leave that to the editorial writers.”

“I’ve tried, professor, but it wears one down to be a beacon of bulls**t.”

“Suck it up, Sylvester! Nobody promised you a rose garden. Anyway, all politicians lie.”

“But professor, if you only knew what it’s like in the Rose Garden. I know all politicians lie but usually when you catch them at it, they are embarrassed to concoct such crap.”

“So confront Trump with the truth, Travis.”

“How do you confront a psychotic s**t storm, professor? How do you transcribe the traits of a traitor?”

“Oh, come now, it can’t be as bad as all that, Matt.”

“It’s been horrifying from the get-go, professor. During the campaign, he publicly solicited illegal interference by asking the Russians for evidence against Hillary. And now it comes out that Trump knew the Russians offered money to the Taliban for killing American troops, and the president did nothing to protect them.”

“I know impeachment failed, but can the courts convict him, Cosgrove?”

“He has stocked the courts with Trump toadies, at least 200 of them, and they aren’t likely to go against their master. I tell you, professor, I fear for our democracy’s survival.”

“I guess that just leaves the ballot box, Bert.”

“Yes, voting him out is our only hope now. But Trump is undermining faith in our electoral process. He has suggested there are fake mail-in ballots being used. That’s on top of his party’s usual voter suppression by purging the rolls, and making the polling places extremely overcrowded.”

“Aren’t there enough honest people handling the ballots to get a proper count in November?”

“Yeah, I think most people counting the ballots are honest. But if many citizens are being prevented or impeded from voting to begin with, there will be a skewed total of votes to count.

“Well, surely you’ve reported all this to the millions of your newspaper’s readers, Frank.

“You remembered my name? And yes, I’ve dutifully reported all of Trump’s 20,000 lies, but I thought nobody was reading newspapers anymore. Turns out that many people are reading the news, even the younger generation.”

“That’s encouraging to hear. I thought young people just stare at their phones all day, even when crossing the street,” said the professor.

“They do but sometimes they read the news and sometimes they share actual information with each other. Like Taylor Swift called out Trump to her 86 million followers on Twitter.”

“Who is Taylor Swift and what is Twitter, Theodore?”

“Have a good retirement, professor. I gotta get back to filing falsehoods.”

Frank Lingo is a writer in Lawrence, Kansas. Email: lingofrank@gmail.com. Read a free excerpt of Lingo’s novel at www.EarthVote.world.

From The Progressive Populist, August 1, 2020

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