Trump defended himself against allegations that he didn’t read the intelligence report about Russia paying the Taliban to kill American soldiers in Afghanistan.
“Damn dog,” said Trump. “He eats everything. It’s Hope’s dog. I only allowed her to bring it to work because she begged me. And you know how hot Hope is.
“I didn’t see the report, I swear. And, no one bothered to tell me either. It’s a swamp, I tell you, it’s a swamp around here. Some low-level low-life at the CIA must have lost it or hid it or something, trying to make Trump look bad. Damn deep-staters are at it again. They won’t stop. No matter how many I fire, they keep crawling out the woodwork like cockroaches and they hate me. Hate me.”
“But, Sir,” asked Yamiche Alcindor of the PBS News Hour during the first press conference after the news broke, “Are you not ultimately responsible for the intelligence that’s reported in your briefings?”
“No,” Trump said. “I don’t know why they let you in here.” He looked around the room and pointed to John Roberts from Fox News. “You.”
“Sir,” said John. “Are you happy with the country’s response to Covid-19.”
“Yes, of course. We could have had 200,000 deaths by now. It’s been less than 140,000. Our great work has been responsible for the smaller number. Next.” Trump nodded to Jake Tapper of CNN.
“Sir, about Hope’s dog. Are you going to demand that she stop bringing it to work?”
“No. As I said, she’s hot. And besides, what’s the big deal? I’m finding out about that bounty thing now.”
“What are you going to do about it? Are you going to talk to President Putin?”
“I don’t think so. Why bother him with fake news? I don’t want to hurt our fantastic relationship.”
“But these are American Soldiers whose lives are at risk.”
“They knew what they were getting into when they signed up. I don’t like soldiers who whine. I just don’t.”
One White House staffer in the back row whispered to another, “What’s he going to say next? That the dog ate his heart?”
“You’re assuming he ever had one.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
From The Progressive Populist, August 15, 2020
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