Satire/Rosie Sorenson

The Commander in Chief Knows Best

Furious that many governors are refusing to re-open their schools, Trump has threatened to send in the military to force them to comply.

“I can do that, you know,” says Trump at his recent press conference. “I can dominate them. Even though my Supreme Court said otherwise, I believe that the president can do whatever he wants. Hell, look how I prevented a panic about the pandemic. Just ask Woodward.”

“But is that legal, to send in the military to force the schools to open?” asks Ron Elving from NPR.

“I’m President.” Trump says and shrugs. “Whatever I do makes it legal. Now, let me introduce Betsy DeVos to explain the details. Betsy?” Trump holds out his hand as Secretary DeVos mounts the dais.

Betsy DeVos assumes her position behind the podium and lays down her briefing papers.

“Good afternoon, everyone. Now here’s how it’s gonna go down. The troops, all in riot gear, of course, will parachute into cities. Thanks to Google we know where all the teachers live, except for those Democrat cities where Google can’t see through the smoke caused by Democrats not knowing how to clear the brush out of their forests. We’ll have to get to them when the smoke clears, and mark my words, we will get to them. The troops will fan out, locate the teachers and frog-march them into armed buses to transport them to their schools.”

“What about the children?” asks Jonathan Karl.

“The troops have been instructed to apply the same rules. I will arrive with the force in Portland, just as soon as the smoke clears. Just to set the example. If little Liam or little Emma refuse to attend, they will be yanked out of their mothers’ arms and told to ‘Man up and ignore the virus.’ They will be lined up and marched to the school, no matter how many miles away they live, while reciting the following: “Trump is Great, Trump is Just, Thank you God, in Trump we Trust.” The troops will stand watch at the schools to make sure that nobody leaves until the end of the day. Questions?”

“But, Secretary DeVos,” says Yamiche Alcindor. “Isn’t that a bit harsh? I mean, we’re talking about children here.”

“Well, you would ask that, wouldn’t you,” snaps DeVos. “Children have been running wild in this country for far too long. We need to bring back law and order for our kids, do you understand?”

Stunned silence.

Trump returns to the podium.”Thank you Betsy, isn’t she great?” he says and claps. “And here’s the most important thing. Even though I made what was recently billed as an about-face on masks, and testing, I’m ordering the military to go to testing sights and confiscate all the test kits. I need to prevent more panic.

“I don’t understand why Fauci and others don’t get it. They scream for testing testing testing, but that’s not the problem. It’s obvious that testing is causing the virus to spread and more people to get sick. They’re using it as a excuse not to open schools. They’re using it to get rid of me. But it’s not gonna work. I still say that if we just stop, it will go away, evaporate, adios, sayonara, baby, and I will once again be King. My base supports me on this. Hannity supports me on this. Woodward can go eff himself.

“And anyway, we’ll have the vaccine before Election Day, no matter what the CDC and the CEO’s say. Why are they so worried about just one unimportant person getting sick? That makes no sense when you have millions of my people who need the vaccine.”

“But Sir . . ,” the reporters cry out in unison as the President turns away from the podium.

“Fools,” he mutters, and walks away.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, October 1, 2020

Populist.com