Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Brother Trump’s Cathedral of Redemption and Golf Retreat

Mike Pompeo stops by the White House to say good-bye to Trump.

“Hi, Mike,” Trump says as he finishes packing his last suitcase. “Thanks for your support on the election fraud thing. Too bad it didn’t work out.”

Mike looks around at all the packed bags and says “So, this is it, huh?”

“Yep. New day, new life,” says Trump, smiling.

“You don’t seem upset.”

“I have a brilliant plan, Mike. I’m going to become a priest.”

“Uh, what? You’ve never been religious.”

“Not true. That’s a media hoax. I am very religious.”

“But, Catholicism? A priest?”

“Yes. It’s the perfect cover. I’ve got it all arranged with the Pope. I just gave him a huge donation, and well, now I’m on my way. He welcomed me with open arms.”

“But what about all the study that’s required?”

“Oh, that. I’m going to pay a young priest to take my tests. It’s a beautiful plan.”

“Where are you going to live?”

“Montenegro,” Trump says with his finger to his mouth. “Shhh. I haven’t told anyone yet, not even Melania. America the Shi*hole country doesn’t like me anymore. All they want to do is investigate every little thing and now sue me?! I hate them. Montenegro does not have an extradition treaty with the US.”

“Have you ever been to Montenegro?” says Mike, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yes, Putin and I were looking to put up a golf in course in the coastal town of Bar last year, er, I mean, several years ago. We may still. How does this sound: “‘Brother Trump’s Cathedral of Redemption and Golf Resort.’ People will flock to the monastery just to be seen with me on the fairway.”

“Catchy.”

“‘Brother Trump.’ How do you like the sound of that? I’ll have the robes specially designed for me. And the women? Ohhhh, beautiful. I can take their confessions all day long. I’m telling ya, they’ll be so grateful they’ll let me …” He winks and nods. “You know.”

“But you’ll be a priest.” Mike says and frowns.

“That’s the beauty of it, Mike. Priests get away with the biggest lies. Look at McCarrick. I’m telling ya, it’s a perfect cover. They rape with impunity. I get that, I totally get that.”

“Won’t you be expected to say mass or something?”

“Piece of cake. I’ll just say a few words in Latin like ‘Credo in unum deum, patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, blah blah blah.’ and swing around that stinking incense ball. I can do that. I’ve been slinging BS all my life.

“America? I’m so done with her. She wouldn’t let me screw her the way I wanted to. Now they won’t have Trump to kick around anymore.

“Good-bye, Mike,” Trump says as he closes his last suitcase and extends his hand. “Come on over and see me sometime. I’ll even take your confession.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, December 15, 2020

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