Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Who’s Crazy Now?

In June of 2020, the American Psychological Association found in its annual survey of “Stress in America” that 83% of Americans felt that the future of the country was a significant source of stress in their lives. That was a huge increase from 63% reported in 2018. (https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2020/report-june)

Of course, one persons’s vexation is a another one’s jackpot. A survey in May of the nation’s psychotherapists disclosed that they were busier than ever. “My practice has been booming these last four years,” said Mary Ellen of Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin.“People’s misery is making me rich.”

Behind every Boom, however, there lurks a Bust. During the weeks after the Biden-Harris election, therapists reported a significant drop in their client load.

Mary Ellen cried, “I didn’t know how good Trump was for my practice. I hated him, but he brought me a deluge of miserable frightened people. Now, all of a sudden, clients are canceling and saying, ‘I’m fine now. The scourge has lifted and I feel joy for the first time in over four years!’”

The American Psychological Association as well as the National Associations of Social Workers and Marriage and Family Therapists have been bombarded with complaints from their members. “We’re getting killed out here,” is the common theme. Board members of the three associations met to find a solution.

“I think we should do what we’ve always done —come up with new diagnostic categories—you know, like we did we when we added ‘Sex Addiction,’ and ‘PTSD’ and ‘Asperger’s’ a few years ago,” said Matthew Agutter of New York.

“How is that ethical, to add additional categories to the DSM-5 (“Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders”) just so we can label more people mentally ill and convince them they need treatment?” said Dr. Nathaniel Latch.

“Look. By putting a name to their suffering, we offer them hope,” said Dr. Marie Claire Mason. “And hope is really all we have.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“How about ‘Tik-Tok-Snap-Chat-Instagram Derangement Syndrome. ‘Or ‘Sweat Pants Attachment Disorder in Moms.’”

The suggestions flew around the room faster than Jason Bouvian, the appointed secretary, could write them on the whiteboard. After a vote, the finalists were:

1. “Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from Excessive Refrigerator Door-opening.”

2. “Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Headache Syndrome.”

3. “Netflixitis (Frozen Hand Syndrome).” The inability to change the channel.

4. “Cuomosexual Attachment Disorder” for people, mostly women, who have become fixated on the Governor of New York, Andrew, and his television journalist brother Chris, for no reason other than that these women are lonely and frightened about the Coronovirus, and the brothers distract them with facts and good looks.

5. “Feline Projection Disorder.” People ascribing human feelings/thoughts to cats. (As of this date, cats are not known to project their feelings or thoughts onto humans.)

6. “Pussy Hat Syndrome.” For women’s misguided attempts at liberation.

7. “Male Feline-Loving Deficiency Syndrome.” Men who don’t love cats enough.

9. “Male Housework Disengagement Syndrome.” No description necessary.

“Good job, everyone,” said Dr. Marie Claire Mason. “We’ve created nine new revenue streams today. That ought to help make up for the loss of Trump. The psychiatrists are meeting next week. You know those shrinks—they always have something up their collective sleeves. I’m sure they will come up with a few colorful syndromes.

“May we live long and prosper!”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, January 1-15, 2021

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