Satire/Frank Lingo

New Theory of Creation

I respect all religions. I believe in all Gods. I don’t wanna get up there and find out that Zarathustra is the Main Guy without having given Him His props.

So I aim to satisfy all the different faiths with my Unified Theory of Everything. Suffice it to say that I have given it all the thought the subject deserves.

As has happened to many creative geniuses, I got this idea during a nap.

The remarkable thing about this new theory — actually, let’s just call it fact, I’m that sure it’s right — is that it draws liberally from each previous theory without vulgar plagiarisms or deliberate misunderstandings to go for a cheap laugh, and yet it unites old opposing beliefs like an old connect-the-dots drawing depicting its picture with a precise pixilated presentation.

I’m naming this new system of thought “Lingolutionism,” after its revered founder, because he’s the only one bold enough to rebel from the restraints of rationalism (consolidating camaraderie with the Creationists), and cold enough to dismiss the desires of mythology (engaging empathy with the evolutionists).

Here, then, are the cornerstones underlying the lean-to of Lingolutionism.

In the Beginning, there was The Lingo. And The Lingo was good — really, really good. Then came the firmament and the squishyment, and spontaneous combustion of huge fireballs way out in space that are, in reality, gigantic sparklers in Lingo’s waving hands.

One of the sparklers gave birth, without revealing the father, to a heavy hunk of carbon gunk, which shot out and started zooming around on its own. This hunk of gunk is now known as Earth.

When Earth cooled down, it stunk real bad, so no life forms were willing to hatch, except cockroaches, which are the original species from which humans evolved.

Then the rain came and lasted 17 million years, creating rivers, lakes and oceans. The water spawned all kinds of life that were also our predecessors and they began eating each other. Finally, the clouds cleared off and the Star came out. I call it the Star, but you Earthlings call it the Sun.

The light made all kinds of plants grow and our ancestors got tired of being wet all the time and wriggled up on the beach and started eating the vegetation.

Before long we began begetting and begatting with everybody — strangers in the slime, exchanging glances and DNA (which stands for Da Natural Apparatus).

With all the fruit and vegetables, life got kind of easy for us, so we lost our ability at climbing trees but we developed skills for blowing things up. This is what you’ve heard of as The Big Bang Theory.

The scariest thing we developed was a story that said we were in charge of the Earth. We decided we were better than all the other creatures of creation. Then we started building places that we could live in without having to even touch the land any more.

We also kept begetting until there were more of us than anything but our forefathers, the roaches.

So then we kept repeating these stories to our descendents about how special we are and we all lived vapidly ever after.

That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

And if you think that’s weird, wait until President Mike Pence puts us all in Bible classes.

Frank Lingo, based in Lawrence, Kansas, is a former columnist for the Kansas City Star and author of the novel “Earth Vote.” Email lingofrank@gmail.com

From The Progressive Populist, April 15, 2021

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