Millions of women all over the world are at this moment shredding their “Proud Cuomosexual” t-shirts, smashing their mugs, burning their baby bibs and stomping on their vibrators.
“That dog,” cried Mary Jane from Omaha. “He was my dreamboat. Now I find out he is a girl’s worst nightmare. Why, many of those women he hit on were younger than his daughters.”
Even Jada Pinkett, who had gone on TV and spilled about how she was “Crushing on Cuomo,” now says, “I should have known better. I’ve been in Hollyweird long enough to spot a fake, but he was the best fake I’d ever seen. They should have given him an Emmy for Fakery. I’ve destroyed my photo album, my hand towels and a few other choice items. No more ‘I Heart Cuomo.’”
Hell hath no fury like 87 million women scorned.
Cuomo insists that his accountant got the numbers wrong. “It was nowhere near 37. We downplayed it, because we didn’t want to make Trump jealous. He hated me, because I was winning in the ratings and got an Emmy for my daily briefs, er, I mean briefings.”
Gov. Andrew Cuomo is furious that Mary Dees of Delaware was recently the awarded the Susan B. Anthony Medal for Female Sexual Freedom.
Mary (4’10”) had been caught on video clamping her arms around the Governor, shinnying up him like a tree and humping him until a bodyguard yanked her away. On the way down, she screamed. “How do you like that? How do you like that?”
When asked by a New York Post reporter, “Why did you do it,” she said, “Hey, have ever you seen him? He’s as big as a Sequoia. I couldn’t resist. But I never touched him inappropriately. It was totally appropriate what I did—to put him in his place, turn the tables, turnabout is fair play, goose/gander— you know what I mean?”
“Do you think he will bring charges against you?”
“He should pay me for humping him. He’s so randy. He’s literally been attacking women—on their lips, on their shoulders, their backs, their legs, under their shirts. What’s truly creepy is how he whined to them: ‘I’m so lonely, I want a girlfriend, get me a girlfriend, would you like to sleep with an old wrinkled man, are you a virgin, etc.’ I’m surprised he still has all his front teeth. You’d have thought at least one of those women would have had a good left hook.”
A reporter from ABC-TV asked Cuomo about whether or not he enjoyed the humping. He fired back, “Why would I want to be with her? She’s too old for me.” In fact, she was only 30.
The reporter continued and asked the governor if he would be pressing charges. Cuomo replied with a toothy smile, “I don’t want to press anything against that crazy broad.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, April 15, 2021
Blog | Current Issue | Back Issues | Essays | Links
About the Progressive Populist | How to Subscribe | How to Contact Us
PO Box 819, Manchaca TX 78652