Rumors have been swirling that Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matthew Gaetz are planning to reproduce a new species of Uber Republicans with funding from their top billionaire donors who feel the party, like Liz Cheney and Mitt Romney, has gone soft.
“We can no longer survive as a party with softies like that,” says Mr. $$$, a member of the cabal of billionaires who call themselves The Mad Dogs of Manhattan. “They were too willing to throw Trump under the bus. We can’t let that happen ever again. We need fresh blood.”
“But, Sir,” says a newly minted Billionaire from Silicon Valley named Brad, raising his hand after he hears about their plan, says, “Isn’t that illegal?”
Mr. $$$ squints, points and says, “You! You, who made your billions in high tech, lecturing me on illegality?”
“Well, um … yes,” says Brad, squirming in his chair. “If you’re hinting that I did anything illegal to earn my billions, that’s a lie!”
“Oh,” says Mr. $$$, folding his arms over his chest. “What about those off-shore accounts and the money you recently transferred to a Swiss bank?”
“Uh, uh those. How did you know?”
“Did you think we’d let just any old billionaire into this club? Now shut up and listen. We’ve already extracted eggs from Marjorie and sperm from Matthew. They’ve been shipped off to Russia. Their scientists are using good old American technology called CRISPR to edit out the traits we don’t want, such as compassion, empathy and honesty, and installing traits such as good eye-hand coordination for excellent gun control, aggression, and hyper-sexuality. Stuff like that. It’ll be awesome.”
“But, can you trust the Russians not to steal the embryos they create?”
“What? Nah, you can’t trust the Russians with anything.”
“Then, why?”
“Don’t worry about it, kid. We have a plan.”
“When will we know if this is a success?”
Mr. $$$ looks at his watch.” In about an hour.”
His phone rings.
“Yes, yes. Yuri? A boy? Fantastic. You’re breaking up … What? What? He’s got short fingers and a big head of yellow hair?”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2021
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