Dialogue With Delta

By FRANK LINGO

Good thing I’m an Empath so I can converse with all forms of life. It comes in handy to get inside info from sources most columnists can’t conceive of contacting.

Like the Delta Variant, for instance. I wanted to vet the virus so I sought out its natural habitat. Turned out to be a local micro-brewery where wearing a mask was rarely required.

Partying with the patrons was permissible and I was having a good time until I heard a small voice calling from the menu I was perusing.

“Hey, hey, you’re Lingo, right?”

“What is this, a talking menu?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s Doug the Delta. You here for a story? ‘Cause I can give you a story alright.”

“OK, but I can’t even see you. Wait, I got just the thing.”

I pulled out my handy Pocket Electron Microscope and focused on the menu until I found the little guy.

“Yeah, there you are,” I said. “So you said you’re a Delta. Are you a frat boy or what?”

“Sure, it’s kinda like that. We’re all brother buggers.”

“What is your mission?” I inquired.

“We’re reinforcements, sort of a Delta Force. Our original expedition was facing some tough resistance so we were sent to finish the job.”

“When you say ‘tough resistance,’ are you talking about the vaccine?”

“We don’t use the V-word. Let’s just say when you humans smartened up, we had to get tougher to accomplish our assignment.”

“What is the assignment and who assigned it?”

“First of all, we’re just tryin’ to make a livin’. You guys provide a nice breeding ground for us. It’s a tough break that some of you can’t handle us hospitably. But if you wanna see the big picture, we’re supposed to thin your herd a bit. You’ve sorta overrun the planet. And our purpose came from the very top.”

“Oh, surely not. God wouldn’t be so cruel.”

“What is this God you speak of? I’m talking about Mother Nature.

“You don’t know about God?” I asked. “He created Heaven and Earth in just six days. He’s all-knowing and all-powerful.”

“Well, you’re gonna need his help because we’re powerful too.”

Just then I noticed that the virus was busy with little movements. When I looked closer, I saw that he was lifting strand weights.

“I can see why you’re stronger than the original Coronas that hit us. But don’t you know you’re doomed because our vaccines will vanquish you?”

“Oh, maybe. You can try but there are still billions of you who are too poor or too dumb to get the shots. We can wipe them out quick.”

“How did you Deltas get so strong, anyway?”

“Mutation, my man. You gotta live and learn. When you get blocked up one way, you make another path-ogen. We also reproduce a lot faster than our ancestors so we have a thousand times the number of buddies bundling in your boogers.”

“When you say ancestors, do you mean the viruses in ancient times?”

“Right. Long, long ago — in 2020. We don’t live for eons like humans, you know.”

“You’re not gonna live at all if I can help it.”

With that I accidentally on purpose spilled my beer all over the menu. The bartender wiped up the beer with a towel but as he tossed it in the dirty laundry bin, I heard a little voice calling out.

“We’ll get you for this, Lingo! You can get us drunk and wipe us away but we’ll always come back.”

I strutted out proud I’d done my part to preserve our population. Feeling so fearless, how could I detect the delegation of Deltas that deployed on me from the door?

Frank Lingo, based in Lawrence, Kansas, is a former columnist for the Kansas City Star and author of the novel “Earth Vote.” See his new website Greenbeat.world. Email: lingofrank @gmail.com.

From The Progressive Populist, September 1, 2021

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