We will never know what transpired during all those unrecorded meetings and calls between Trump and Putin while Trump was President. We can only imagine what is taking place now during their conversations.
“Hey, Vladdie,” says Trump on a phone call after the invasion. “You’ve outdone yourself this time. Attacking Ukraine? Genius. All that for only $2.00 worth of sanctions? That’s a better deal than buying Manhattan from the Indians in the 1600s for $24 worth of beads and trinkets.”
“I’m glad you recognize my achievement,” said Putin, licking his reptilian lips.
“But, really, Vlad, why did you do it?” asked Trump, sitting back and hoisting his feet up onto his Mar-A-Lago mahogany desk.
“Silly Donnie. I did it to help you get elected in 2024.”
“How’s that?”
“Like I helped you in 2016, remember? Under my tutelage, you did magnificent job of undermining democracy while you were in Oval Office. If not for my homework about your Constitution I could never have compiled list for you of so-called norms you could actually break with no problem: storming into the NATO meeting in 2017 and calling them stingy bastards for not contributing more of their GDP; shoving aside President of Montenegro so you could get to front of line for photo op; trying to get Ukraine to give you dirt on Biden; violating Emoluments Clause by renting out your Trump Hotel to foreign dignitaries; using your personal cell phone for government business; disclosing highly classified intelligence information to Comrades Lavrov and Kislyak; attacking Capitol on January 6; stealing Presidential records when you left. I could go on and on.
“I knew that none of these things could bring you down, because your country has no laws behind these norms. No claws behind hiss, if you will.”
“I like where you’re going with this, Vladdie. You’ve always been my role model. You and Orban and Bolsonaro and Duterte,” said Trump unctuously.
“Amateur hour, those bums. Me? I’m real deal. World never seen anyone like me.”
“What about Hitler?”
“He lost, remember? Together, you and I and Tucker—softening up your country. GOP and general public not so interested in democracy, da? You thank me. This means when you are re-elected, with my help, you have free rein. Your people will go right along with anything you want. Soon you have more power than me.”
“I like the sound of that. But tell me, Vladdie, what do you want? I mean, really. You have more money than your Russian Orthodox God, stashed away all over the world. I know because we have the same Panamanian bankers. You own a huge country, you kill with no consequences—what do you want?”
“Bring to me your Kim.”
“Kim Jong-un?”
“Nyet, nyet.That Kimmie Kardashian, you know her?”
“Of course. We’re good buds. I’m sure she’d love to meet you. She’s getting a divorce, you know.”
“Da, Da. It’s lonely at top. Dating not so easy in my job. Too many want to poison me,” Putin says and sighs.
“I’ll get back to you on that, Vladdie,” Trump says and hangs up the phone. He chuckles, turns to Melania, who has been listening to the call on speakerphone, and says, “As if!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, April 1, 2022
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