Putin’s startling announcement about mobilizing 300,000 reservists to fight in Ukraine has been met with resistance in Russia. Thousands of men have already flown, driven or walked to freedom. Army commanders have ordered their lieutenants to scour neighborhoods and nab new conscripts before they can flee.
At midnight on Sept. 28, with a sliver of moon at their backs, a dozen armed men outfitted in camo and balaclava ski masks forced their way into a modest A-frame cottage perched near the shimmering Black Sea. They strong-armed the lone male occupant and frog-marched him toward the waiting truck.
The man, immobilized by four tall, determined soldiers, growled like a ferocious bear, “Don’t you know who I am?”
Silence.
The soldiers glanced back and forth at each other and shook their heads. They had been warned about the ploys men utilize to escape the draft.
“I’m Vladimir Putin, you fools,” screamed the diminutive fellow, his head whipping back and forth.
“Shut up,” cried Alexi, the giant muscular leader as he stepped forward, leaned down and chinned his face near the man. “If you’re Vladimir Putin, then I’m the King of England.”
Alexi gave a nod to the soldiers and said, “Put him in the truck and tie him down!”
“You’re making big mistake!” he cried.
“This whole war is a mistake,” said Alelxi. “Tell that to Putin when you see him. We’ve already captured three other Putins and sent them to Ukraine.”
Alexi paused and spat at the ground and said to his soldiers, “Now gag this son of a bitch!”
“I kill your family like the dogs they are, you moron!” he screamed as two soldiers stuffed a bandana in his mouth and tied it in back.
They drove out, headed for the base in Crimea.
“What if he really is Putin?” whispered Boris to Nicolai sitting behind Putin and the other soldiers.
“Ah, you heard Alexi. Do you really think the real Putin would live in an A-frame shack like that? Nyet. This no Putin.”
Since Putin often sneaked away without guards when visiting his mistresses, no one at the Kremlin was concerned when he missed the morning meeting.
“You know how Vlad is about his privacy,” said security chief, Alexander Bortnikov. “He’ll be along any minute.”
Meanwhile, the putative Putin was being offloaded at the military base in Crimea and relinquished to General Kuznetzov. In return, the General handed each soldier a bounty of 301,000 Russian rubles, or $5,000.
“You did well, my sons,” he said as he grabbed hold of the limp prisoner. “Now go and fetch me more draft dodgers.”
“You idiot. I am Vladimir Putin!”
“Of course you are,” said the General as he turned him over to his senior lieutenant. “Take him to the barracks. Put him in with the other Putins.”
The following day, all the Putins were kitted out with camo and AK47s —loaded with blanks, unbeknownst to them—and sent to Lyman where the shelling was fierce.
“You can’t do this. I just annexed this effing province!” hollered the newest Putin.
“We’ll see.”
On Oct. 12, in a terse statement, the Kremlin announced the resignation of Vladimir Putin and the elevation of Mikhail Mishustin to the Presidency.
“We are going to miss our dear President Putin who led us to victory for over two decades. We wish him a long and happy retirement.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2022
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