We’ve had our suspicions, but now we know: God has gone over to the dark side.
At a recent press conference God was asked about his new TV commercial for Ron DeSantis.
“Why DeSantis?” asks Lisa Desjardins of the PBS News Hour, not knowing where to focus because God is, well, invisible.
“Well, quite frankly, Lisa,” says God, “I needed a new mission. In case you haven’t noticed, my stats are down. Only 64% of people identify as Christians. Why, just a few decades ago, I was all the rage, and now? Pffft! You know I can’t be crucified again—been there, done that, got the crown of thorns—I needed a new schtick to make my mark.”
“But, again, I ask, why DeSantis?” says Lisa.
“Ron says he believes in me. And he seems to have a lot of people who believe in him, so . . . I don’t know why folks are so tetchy about my commercial. I’ve been paying attention to you, my people, and I know how enamored you are of all things digital. I figured—I’m God, why not join the party?
“Look, things are a mess down there. It’s partly my fault, I know. I never should have given you Free Will. It’s costing you, big time. Free is never free.”
“Were you involved in writing the script?” asks Lisa.
“Of course, I’m God. Let me read to you the lines my first producer came up with: ‘Mankind needs a protector, so God made a Gambino.’ I said, no, no, that will not stand. The Italians love me, why would I want to insult them like that?
“And instead of using an unknown male’s deep voice talking about me in the third person, I said I wanted it to be first person with me using my own voice. More punch that way, don’t you think?”
“Go on,” says Lisa, blinking rapidly.
“So, here are the new opening lines:
“And on the eighth day, I looked down on my planned paradise and said, ‘WTF? I need a protector.’ So I made a fighter.
“I said, ‘I need someone who’s strong to advocate truth in the midst of hysteria, someone who challenges conventional wisdom and isn’t afraid to defend what he knows to be right and just.’ So I made a fighter.
“I said, ‘I need someone who can take the arrows in the face of unrelenting attacks, who can look a mother in the eye and tell her her child will be in school, she can keep her job, go to church, eat dinner with friends, and hold the hand of an aging parent taking their breath for the last time.’ So I made a fighter.
“It goes on from there, Lisa, pretty much following the original commercial script. Whaddya think?”
“Uh, I, uh, well, um, OMG!” says Lisa, pulling at her red hair.
“Oh, and the best part?” says God. “The ending!
“My name is God—that’s G-O-D, in case you’ve forgotten, and I approve this message.’”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, January 1-15, 2023
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