What If Hitler Did Meet the Press

By BARRY FRIEDMAN

With Facebook’s recent announcement that it was allowing Donald Trump back on the platform, coupled with Elon Musk’s decision to welcome back the likes of Marjorie Taylor Greene, Andrew Tate, and, yes, Trump on Twitter, I started wondering if the media of old would give monstrous leaders a timeout — and for how long. Meet the Press host Chuck Todd once said something to the effect, “If we’re mean to them, they won’t come back on the show.”

Like that would be the worst thing.

Nevertheless, let’s enter the WayBack Machine and set it for Berlin: October 1939.

HOST FUTTER TODD: Hi, if it’s Sonntag (Sunday), it’s Triff die Presse (Meet the Press). I’m Futter Todd. This week Der Führer Adolf Hitler joins us. As many of you know, last year we made the decision here at Volksfernseher, the People’s TV, to ban him from our programming for his involvement during Kristallnacht (Night of Broken Glass), when many Jewish businesses and homes were destroyed. We decided the ban should end and we invited him back, and he was gracious enough to accept.  Welcome, Mr. Hitler.

ADOLF HITLER: Thank you. And let me say, that night there were not that many businesses destroyed. A lot of Jews, I am told, broke their own windows. And I was totally innocent during the so-called Beer Hall Putsch in the ’20s. We should clear that up.

TODD: Let’s move on. The phrase tod für Juden (death for Jews) was heard repeatedly at your rally last week in Leipzig. You, sir, have called for the “irrevocable removal of Jews from German life”—

HITLER: —Fälschung (fake) news.

TODD: I’ve known you a long time and I’m sorry to have to ask you this because you’ve always been straight with me, but some say you hate Jews. What say you?

HITLER: That’s absurd. I love all Germans—

TODD: But Jews, specifically, sir—

HITLER: I love all proud, hardworking, loyal Germans—

TODD: Sir, those death chants at the rally — when you say “loyal”—

HITLER: I didn’t hear those chants. Maybe a small number did. I don’t know. A lot of people — A LOT — told me it was the Jews themselves chanting it to make me look bad. My supporters are very passionate and worry about what’s happened to their Germany. For years, the Jews controlled the banks and the media before I stopped it. Why don’t you ask me about that? The verrückt (crazy) and krumm (crooked) media wants to talk about the Jews. What about Germans?

TODD: There are reports that Jews—

HITLER: —I am not going to get into specifics about what is or isn’t happening to Jews, except we’re keeping real Germans safe and our economy is the best it’s been since the Middle Ages. Remember, under my predecessor, who was doddering around—

TODD: Hindenburg.

HITLER: Yes, I’m much more popular. He negotiated a terrible end to the great war, which, if I was leading, we would have won. And people, many aligned with Jews, who really aren’t German, want Hitler to fail.

TODD: I don’t think anyone actually—

HITLER: —As your Führer, I speak for the hardworking Germans, many of whom went to the Jews for loans and didn’t get them. Jews got them, though. Germans should get loans!

TODD: Are the Jews the enemy of Germany?

HITLER: I had a resounding victory in ’32, very big, and  I  cherish our law enforcement community and the Germans who pull their stiefels (boots) up by their stiefel siemens (bootstraps). I’d say 95 percent of Germans, maybe more, love me. Did you hear what happened at Nuremberg last month? Their love told me to keep going. People were passing out and all the chanting. It was very beautiful.

TODD: What about reports that there are already Jews being rounded up and taken to work or concentration camps?

HITLER: I was just at one of those facilities being built in Oświęcim in Poland — a beautiful town with trees and the railroad that goes through the town. People are getting fed and there’s bedding. The kids are singing. It’s like a camp, really. 

TODD: So they will be allowed home?

HITLER: Circumstances permitting. Futter, for some people, the Jews are easy to see. Others don’t see them at all. Some people say the Jew is tame. Others say the Jew is vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who’s right, isn’t it smart to be leery of the Jew? If we are to have them at all.

TODD: Good point, sir. OK. Last thing. August Landmesser, who during a rally at the Hamburg Blohm+Voss shipyard, where he works, refused to stand or repeat “Sieg Heil” when you appeared. He sat, defiantly. Any comments?

HITLER: First of all, this man married a Jewess and the party expelled him, as was our right. That was Hindenburg’s law, not ours. This man had, it sickens me to say this, relations with this Jewess, which produced a child. And he was not imprisoned — I was totally nice to him. Much nicer than he was to me by not standing. The man is free, as you can see. 

TODD: I’m afraid we’re out of time, sir. But I’ll give you the last word.

HITLER: The Reich will live for 1,000 years.

TODD: Very good. And give our best to Eva. When we come back, the German economic train keeps roaring down the tracks. Who should get the credit? Paul Joseph Goebbels will be joining us. And later, Albert Speer joins our roundtable to share his thoughts on whether Das Heimatland is great again.

Bleib bei uns (Stay with us).

Barry Friedman is an essayist, political columnist, petroleum geology reporter — quit laughing — and comedian living in Tulsa, Okla. His latest book, “Jack Sh*t: Volume One: Voluptuous Bagels and other Concerns of Jack Friedman” has just been released. In addition, he is the author of “Road Comic,” “Funny You Should Mention It,” “Four Days and a Year Later,” “The Joke Was On Me,” and a novel, “Jacob Fishman’s Marriages.” See friedman oftheplains.com.

From The Progressive Populist, March 1, 2023

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