Tucker Carlson’s four children surprised him last month by marching into his home office and declaring en masse that they were filing for divorce—from him.
“What? Why?” hollered Tucker, standing up and slapping his hands on his hips. “Is this some kind of Antifa plot you’ve gotten yourselves mixed up in?”
The three girls and one son, ages 18-25, vehemently shook their heads. Buckley handed Tucker the document. “It’s already a done deal, Dad. Your texts.”
Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingram (the Trinity of Trump Toadies) and their text messages were outted during the discovery process for the upcoming Dominion Voting Systems v. Fox News trial. Dominion is suing Fox for promoting false accusations originated by Rudy Giuliani and Sydney Powell, claiming that the company rigged the voting machines in favor of Biden. The private texts of the Trinity revealed that they considered these fraud allegations “insane,” while publicly continuing to promote them on their shows.
“Wait a minute. You’re OK with Daddy lying on air to make a ton of money, from which you have benefitted greatly, I might add—horses, tennis lessons, fine clothes, fancy vacations, cars, Harvard, Yale. But now you’re mad at Daddy for lying about lying? Why, I’ll have your trust funds for this!” Tucker shouted and pointed his finger at them.
The Tucker Four blanched. “No … no, you wouldn’t,” they said looking from one to the other.
Try me.” Tucker said, waving the document in the air, then folding his arms over his chest.
“But how would we live? How would we pay our bills?” the little Tuckers cried in unison.
“Well, let’s find out just how far your newfound morality and your high dudgeon will take you in the job market!”
A loud inhalation erupted from the Tucker Four.
Dorothy, the youngest at 18, leaped forward, grabbed the document from her Dad’s hands and ripped it to pieces. “We were just kidding, Daddy. Really,” she said, registering scowls from her three sibs.
“I knew I taught you kids well.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, April 1, 2023
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