Emperor of the Earth

By FRANK LINGO

As Earth Emperor, it is incumbent on me to report the State of the Earth, here on this hokey holiday called Earth Day. Let me just say that it is only thru the Grace of God and especially the grace of military might that a humble human like Frank Lingo could hold this Divine Right. After another insurrection installed me as President For Life, it felt like it wasn’t enough. That’s when we spread the Lingo Love worldwide, whether liberals liked it or not.

Right now, let’s have a moment of silence for the fine people on both sides who had to be killed for me to topple many of the world’s leaders and take our world back. The tough leaders who helped me become Emperor get to stay in place to lead their countries, I’m happy to say.

So people of the planet, I am pleased to proclaim that the State of the Earth is strong. Business is booming. Employment is plentiful. Diseases are decreasing and they’ve only made us stronger, even if we had to lose some of the old and weak, but maybe weeding them out was for the best so people can proliferate and stay on as guardians of the globe.

Now I know there are nervous nellies who scream in the streets about imaginary issues like world warming and the disappearance of democracy. To those people let me say that such alarmist acrimony won’t promote the peace they purportedly prefer. It is only by acquiescence to authority that all may live in one world under the watchful wardship of Pax Lingona.

The problem with those complainers is they listen to egghead professors who have nothing better to do than think up paranoid conspiracies, like the hoax of global warming. These so-called experts would have us believe that it’s a sign of apocalypse every time a hurricane drowns some towns or a forest fire burns down a national park.

But no, these are just natural acts of God that have always happened whenever too many liberals pop up in the population. The places that get the worst of the weather are just poophole countries, anyway. These people displease the Lord and must be punished for their wayward ways.

Another phony freak-out of the treehuggers is the alleged loss of species. But guess what, animals die sometimes. Like it’s really a big deal if a few frogs croak, or some bees get a disease. They also whine if somebody shoots a wolf. But you know, wolves are the bad guys. We’ve known that ever since we were kids and read about the big bad wolf. None of these animals are people after all. And if they were people, they’d probably be liberals, so they’re just getting what they deserve.

As your Earth Emperor, it is my sacred responsibility to make sure the world is safe for business. The oil companies are making record profits and I intend to continue that terrific trend, because they’re giving me a big slice of the pie. They are great providers of power to the people, and they’re some of my strongest supporters. And the coal industry is thriving, too. China is the great master in keeping coal king. That’s why I’m keeping China’s leader in his important post and anyway, I don’t speak Chinese. Same with Russia. They are always there to provide gas and oil to the world and like China, they know how to handle troublemakers and losers complaining they can’t breathe.

So Russia, if you’re listening, and China, keep tracking those phone chips until we can round up the libtards who won’t let us have enough water to flush the toilet.

Like most of you, I’m done with the worry warts in our world. A lot of good people are saying we don’t need those nattering nabobs of negativity. But in my benign beneficence as your Emperor, I have devised a humane solution for these effete snobs.

There is a new island out in the ocean, you know. It’s called the Pacific Plastic Patch. That’s the perfect place to put the protesters. It’s twice as big as Texas, so there is plenty of space for them all to live in peace near the whales they love so much, and far away from us who find them so annoying.

That’s the kind of benevolent reign that Pax Lingona will be for the world. The birds and bunnies will be fine and people, mostly white people, will be free to live their lives in peace, as long as they cooperate with the Emperor to Make The Earth Great Again.

Goodnight and God bless you – if you act right.

Frank Lingo, based in Lawrence, Kansas, is a former columnist for the Kansas City Star and author of the novel “Earth Vote.” This column contains satire. Email: lingofrank@ gmail.com. See his website: Greenbeat.world

From The Progressive Populist, May 15, 2023

Populist.com